Monday confession.

I've written and re-written this post three times now. I can't figure out how to say it and get my point across without sounding either stupid or ungrateful. Please keep in mind that I am neither (definitely not ungrateful; hopefully not stupid.) So here's the deal. We really like the church we've been going to over the last three weeks. We feel very welcomed and we plan on making it our permanent place of worship. We like the fact that small groups are a priority. So we've been looking forward to finding one and getting to know some people. We were given the name of a couple that are starting a small group based on a parenting book and we went to the first get-together last night. And this is where my confession comes in... I was dreading it. I told Rusty I didn't want to go but I sucked it up and we had a nice time. But I'm still not sure I can do this.

Here's the deal. If you've been reading for any length of time or if you're a friend from back on the east coast? Then you know that the last few years have been mainly about our kids. Specifically, about Liam. We moved to Ohio, to a better school district and great therapy, for Liam. We left a newly renovated house (in which we did all the work ourselves) and we left friends that we love dearly and miss beyond belief (some of which Rusty has known most of his life.) Primarily for Liam. Because we love him more than just about anything. And? We would gladly do it again. God is blessing us beyond belieft. And we are so grateful. I am so very grateful. And at the same time? I'm needing a break from living and thinking and breathing based on the question "what's best for Liam" in such a way that all else comes second. What Rusty and I were trying to do on our own for Liam is now being handled by many different people - his school has it under control, his therapist is on top of things and this area and neighborhood are great for him. Liam is in a good place. It's time for me to start thinking in other directions. I feel like I've been in mom mode for way too long without a decent break. Even before Liam's issues got as noticable and we started the assessment process? I had Angela to deal with (my niece.) And those of you who know Angela or know of Angela know that situation affected me emotionally in a way I hope I never have to deal with again. I felt responsible for her well-being and I felt guilty that I couldn't make things right for her. I'm still struggling with it. That's another post all together.

Back to the parenting thing. I have been trying to figure out what it is about the idea of starting in a parenting group that is bugging me so much. All I could come up with is this: our small group in Maryland was made of up parents and non-parents. And we talked quite a bit about our kids. But for the most part we all knew each other way before we were parents - college and even earlier in some cases. We had relationships that were good and fun and loving before the kids came along. So when the kids did come along? They weren't the only things we had in common. Or I should say, they weren't the thing that brought us together? I'm not sure (which is why I keep deleting and re-writing this post.) Being brought together by your kids isn't a bad thing. I adored Liam's first grade teacher. We got to be good friends. But? She and I spent time doing "non-mom/teacher" things.

Am I making sense? Good heavens. I really enjoyed the people we were with last night. The book sounds like something that will be good for us. But I need something for myself. A women's small group or an artist's small group or someone one-on-one to hang out with on a regular basis and connect spiritually as a friend instead of as a "mom." I miss "me." I didn't realize just how much until I started running again a few weeks ago and had forgotten how much I missed it. I thought to myself, "I love running. I forgot how much I really like running. How do you forget something like that? What else have I forgotten about myself?"

Something's got to give.