Sunday night.

I've been avoiding you, internet. I've been avoiding this blog. At first I was able to blow it off as not wanting to deal with Blogger's Beta template conversions and having to go back in and re-write my header code. But that's been done. And I'm still lacking any motivation to blog. It's not like I'm not thinking about writing. It's always there, in the back of my mind. Because this started out as an outlet for me to work through my salvation (if you dig far enough, back to 2004?)

I'd love to tell you that I've been deep in spiritual thought, wrestling with God over my life and what it means and what I'm feeling. I wish I had a smart ass way to tell you how totally uninspired I feel right now in a lot of ways. I know those of you who know me will read that to mean I haven't worked on anything lately. Which isn't the case - I've been working on all kinds of stuff lately. And some of it has been pretty good (some of it has not, but that is just because I'm working from a pre-existing site that was not my own design and the design snob within is being a mighty beeyotch.)

No, I've been busy work wise. But I just feel kind of "half there" in everything right now. Am I unhappy? No, not overall. Am I depressed? I don't know. Am I uncomfortable? Most definitely. I feel as though my body is betraying me and these birth control pills I'm taking to regulate my hormones for the PCOS nonsense are doing a job on me. Add to that the fact that Liam has decided he "hates" school and spent close to an hour crying at bedtime trying to convince Rusty and I that his principal and teacher told him there was no school tomorrow (ok, that look of total "I'm serious, we really don't have school tomorrow" was funny, I'll admit.) I'm just... I don't know. I was going to type "drained" but that doesn't feel right. I just feel uninspired. Maybe I keep coming back to that word because the artist in me really does find bunches of tiny inspirations every day. I get sidetracked by a glass cup full of sparkly junk in my workroom and it makes me happy. Usually. Now I find myself missing it in the moment and wondering later what happened to that minute of my day today?

I guess the bottom line is that I don't feel like myself. I'm not depressed. I'm not falling apart over Liam now being back in therapy once a week for a while. I'm just tired. And missing my old self. And hoping to God that Heather's right and this will pass once my body starts to regulate itself more efficiently.

A month ago I'd have told you I don't like my body, I am unhappy with myself and my fitness and my attitude. Now I just can't wait to get "myself" back.