The sex talk.

"Let's talk about sex, bay-bee. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk abooooout sex." - Salt N' Peppa

WARNING: IN CASE IT HASN'T ALREADY OCCURRED TO YOU, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME SEX HERE. PLEASE BE ADVISED.

Today, I'm writing from Maryland. From my mother-in-law's living room, actually. The boys and I drove out Thursday. Since I was going to be doing all eight or nine hours of driving while the boys watched movies in the back (using earphones) I decided to upload the church podcasts of the services we'd missed over the last three or four months. As we headed toward Columbus up I-7, I powered up the iPod. The first podcast episode on the list - a talk on sex.

It starts with Tom (the pastor) apparently walking up front while Justin Timberlake's Bringing Sexy Back plays. Then he starts the talk by saying "Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, SEX!" just to get it out there. He divided the talk into one part geared toward parents with older kids, one toward single people, and one toward married people. The married person part was easy to take. But the one aimed at single people was hard for me to hear. Even though it's been ten years since I was a non-married person, there are things from the talk that made it hard for me to keep from turning the podcast off altogether.

As anyone who's ever been in a youth group can tell you, virginity is a church teenager's prized possession. Which I actually agree with. But for someone raised to believe that then to have it pretty much stomped all over, it's hard to recover. So, wait... what am I saying? Did I just basically come out and say I had no choice in the matter? Well, actually, I did just say that.

When I was a senior in high school I had been dating a guy for about six months. Seemed to be a nice guy, my family liked him and he was cute. Then one night in our family room, with my parents sleeping upstairs, a normal kissing session turned into something else even after I said, "No, don't" quite a few times. I remember walking up to my bedroom later in pain and confused about what had just happened. I didn't wake my parents to tell them because I wasn't exactly sure what I was telling them.

When you hear about these kinds of things they seem so huge and life changing (and they are) but when they're actually occurring, that minute right before is exactly like that minute right after in that the clock is still ticking, the TV show is still moving along, and no one on earth has been jolted from their sleep in the knowledge that something horrible has happened. Life just goes on. And it's a really stark contrast to how you're feeling on the inside.

The next day I had to work (at Kings Island, where the boyfriend worked also) and I remember I didn't see my mom and dad that morning for whatever reason. I went in to work a few minutes early to confront the boyfriend because I was very seriously pissed off. And when I found him and said something (while fighting back the urge to smack him and cry at the same time) he just looked at me and said, "It takes two to tango." That was it. And I? Was horrified.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I didn't say, "No" loud enough or forcefully enough? Maybe I just felt bad afterwards? So instead of telling my parents I tried to hide it from everyone I knew. And please, understand that this was never a "they won't believe me" kind of thing. I thought, at that point, that there was nothing to "believe" and I had just given away my most prized possession and was going to hell (or a least an unhappy, messed up marriage sometime in my future.) As bad as that was? It gets worse.

I stayed with the boyfriend. For almost a year. But I knew I didn't like this guy anymore (shocker.) I was just afraid to break-up and end up finding another boyfriend at some point and not know what to tell them if the topic came up. Which of course, it always did. Sex always comes up with college guys. Sometimes it gets talked about in a good way. I know there are decent college guys who can talk about in the context of "it's ok, we'll wait." But I didn't find them.

I found two more who assumed that since I was no longer a virgin that it didn't matter at that point. And I stupidly agreed. It was completely my decision but part of that decision was based on the fact that I was in uncharted territory. I knew virginity was important. But youth group people never talked about what to do if that was altered. What little bit of self-esteem I had was totally gone because I honestly believed that my worth as a Christian was in the toilet because I'd broken one of the cardinal rules.

So, why did I just type all that? Why go into it again? Well, for one reason because last time I "got into it" I just left it half-dealt with. A few months before Rusty and I got married, I started having a hard time with a family situation. I started going to therapy before the wedding. And this incident with the boyfriend came up. The therapist asked why I couldn't say the word "rape." Was it because I believed it was easier to say it was partly my fault? Because then it just becomes a "bad decision" on my part and I could pretend I had some control over what happened.

Looking back since I finally came to God and fell in a big heap, I know the therapist was right. By not facing it for what it was back then I traded in my self-worth and was miserable for the next four years or so. And I realized I made my parents and family and some of my friends miserable while I was at it.

So now I think you might  be wondering how it's possible that I'm not totally f-ed up regarding being married and sex after all that. Honestly? I don't entirely know though I have some ideas. First of all, what happened was hard emotionally for me. But not as bad as the guilt I felt when I started to believe it was my fault. When it was "my fault" it made it feel as though I'd made a choice against God and that was unthinkable to me. I didn't have the greatest image of God when I was a teenager and really thought it was all about the rules and doing stuff right. And forgiveness was just something you said and not the grace and redemption that I understand now.

The God and "doing something wrong" thing was an issue for me, and my misunderstanding of it all drove me farther and farther from my faith. Coming to Christ and being able to finally say, "Ok, this wasn't my fault" have done wonders for me being able to get on with my life.

Do I wish I'd have done something to this boyfriend to hold him accountable? Of course I do. Do I want some sort of justice now? No. I feel like I've been able to get to a good place and would rather never have to deal with this person ever again. I'm really truly happy with the life I have now and where I am in relation to my faith and relationship with God.

And I hope I can finally sit through a sex talk and not feel a twinge of uneasiness or panic.