Sunday morning confession.

It's 6:30 am and Sean just came in to our room, told me he was scared about something and jumped into bed with us. It doesn't happen often so the snuggle time was nice. Until he went back to sleep, started snoring and my arm went tingly then numb.

I extracted myself and came down to the kitchen where I'm now sitting and brooding over the fact that I have no coffee to make at the moment. I just woke up cranky. Probably because I went to bed cranky. I hate being cranky! Especially when I know what's causing it and feel like I can't do anything to fix the cause. Meh. Boo, cranky.

The cause? Liam had a hideous afternoon and evening yesterday. On the one hand, I feel like I should know better and should not be surprised by the multiple crying fits and screaming I heard throughout the evening. We should be used to it. It's what he does and it's why we moved and why we are now where we are. But? This summer has been great with him. And he hasn't had very many meltdowns since school got out. And it's been wonderful. I've had so much fun watching him have fun this summer. He's been relaxed and happy and that is a huge blessing.

So last night was kind of a shock, like throwing cold water in my face and telling me to wake up it's time for reality to kick back in. He was just whiney at first but that progressed into yelling at people which turned into flat out crying with some screaming thrown in for good measure. Oh, and I forgot to mention the second half of the afternoon was spent at my high school's annual alumni soccer game so there were people I was hoping to catch up with but instead found myself so preoccupied that I barely got out more than one or two word answers to any friendly questions I was asked.

And that's where the confession comes in. I was irritated with Liam. I was upset because in my head this was supposed to be my turn to sit and talk and enjoy myself and I was irritated that I felt like I had to keep track of Liam from time to time instead. Most of the other kids were playing together without any problem - and to his credit, Liam did too for a little while. But I'd hear that yelling going on and have to run back and pull him aside until he could calm himself down. Then this wave of "I'm tired of this" and "I'm not ready for this to start again when school starts" hit me and my night went downhill from there. And it's totally my own fault. I know why we've moved back and I know we've had to have meetings with schools and teachers and I've been at the hospital with him when he had his stress migraine thing. I know all this and it's not his fault and yet I still let it get to me. And I let myself be upset with him which isn't fair.

I know I had three conversations last night where I either didn't give the person my full attention or had to outright interrupt the other person to excuse myself to go figure out what had happened to cause a specific meltdown. It was embarrassing to me though those people probably didn't see it as such a big deal. But by the end of the night I felt like I needed to give Liam a break so we dropped him off with my mom to spend the night then head out to the farm with Grandpa today. Farm time with Grandpa is pretty stress-free and low-key.

So now it's 8:40 and I need a shower and to get ready for church. I just talked to my mom and cried a little bit to her. And her years of mom experience were what I needed to hear and she made me feel better then put Liam on the phone while he waited for Grandpa to get a move on so they can go already, Grandpa!

Liam's fine, I'm fine and I'm happy we're going to church this morning so I can throw all of this at God and tell Him to hold onto it because I cannot deal with my own stupidity and Liam's stress at the same time.