So that was a nice little diversion, I'll admit. But the reality of things right now is this - I feel God pushing me to grow up a little. To grow up a lot.
Rusty and I had lunch with our pastor last week. Tom was really helpful in helping us... ok, me... figure out what's important and what's not (Rusty never seems to get confused or doubt himself as far as his faith is concerned.) Some of it was stuff I already knew. I just wanted to hear it from someone else. And Tom called me on that and asked, "why?" and asked why I don't trust myself spiritually. I would like to just end it here and say, "I don't know. Let me think about it." But that's total b.s. I have a good idea of why.
There are so many professional Christians around. I mean, I have faith and I think I understand what I read in the bible. But then someone with a degree or book title on his resume makes things more complicated than they need to be. Do I just double check myself and shrug and go on with my day? No. Not usually. I'll admit my first response is often to assume that I got it wrong. And that opens the door for all kinds of stupidity. For fourteen different people with fourteen different agendas to jump in the pool and start splashing me with their knowledge while simultaneously trying to drown the other thirteen before they can get to me first. I hate it! What the crap is up with American Christianity at this point? And what's wrong with me that I can't get around these idiots and live my life in Christ?
Seriously, I didn't realize how angry I was about all of this. All of my questioning last week wasn't an indication of my faith starting to waver. I wasn't trying to re-evaluate what I believe. I realized that after talking to Tom. I was trying to figure out where my beliefs put me in terms of the rules and how am I supposed to identify myself as a Christian in America today? And guess what? I refuse to do it. I refuse to identify with anyone outside of Christ himself. My political convictions are my own and I live in a country that allows me to choose based on those convictions. I believe there are some great people trying to help the masses really understand the salvation that God offers us - not just the promise of eternity with God but also the unconditional love that frees us to truly be ourselves and allows us to start looking at others differently in light of that love. The fact that Jesus' life and death give us reason for meaningful existence on earth until we die? A benefit that some don't seem to grasp. Their loss. And all I can do is my best to live the example instead of giving in to the desire to issue a collective bitch slap to the more annoying amongst them (oh ye of great big mouths and very little love.)
(And by "them" I mean the larger group of angry, fighting, "Christian brothers" busy tattling on each other and tossing hate grenades.)
So there is it. Whether he realized it or not, Tom issued a challenge by putting out there the possibility that God is trying to push me into the possibility of some spiritual maturing taking place. I spent so much of my time growing up lying to myself - and often to others by acting like someone I wasn't - that I have one major rule I hold myself to since becoming a real believer. I will not lie to myself or to anyone else. I refuse to act in any way that goes against what I know to be true. So I have to take this and go with it. I know what I believe and I have to start standing strong in those beliefs. And while I do that, I can not let just any old big mouth with a seminary degree bully me into believing that I'm not smart enough, or faithful enough, or good enough to experience God one-to-one. I totally am.
So now I'm going to go gorge myself on C.S. Lewis. The Great Divorce is a very comforting book for me... weird word to describe a book, I guess. But that's the first word that came to mind and it fits. I think it's because in the story, in order to enter heaven you have to die to everything you were and be brutally honest with yourself before you can really experience the full reality of what God has in store for you. And I also like it because Lewis' sci-fi heaven is not a very "church-like" interpretation at all. Scandalous.
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3 comments:
Yes Stacie, you are right... you are getting the point. You have a relationship with GOD. Its not a relationship with your beliefs... its not a relationship with a book... its not even a relationship with the Church or Theology.... its with God. When those things become too important, thats where the focus is and none of those things are eternal, like GOD is. God knows who you are, God knows the woman in Christ he wants you to be and only he knows the wonderful plans he has for you. You only need to be Faithful to him... not any of those other things.
Ouch you're making my head hurt. I am very much like Rusty. I like reading about the process though....it does make my head hurt a bit.
When I get those moments of doubt (which aren't too, too often), I always say to myself, "Do you know WHOSE you are? That's enough." And just bop on my merry little way.
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