Fallen world.

I have heard that term so many times. We live in a "fallen world." Death and sickness and heart-break because of sin. I know. I get it. But all the times I've heard it and thought it, it was about someone else. Someone else's child or spouse or situation. This time it's mine. My son. My son with the genius IQ who can't effectively communicate how he feels about some of the simplest things without falling apart. The one who has tics and repetative moments because the stress pushes him over the edge to the point that it's the only way he can feel in control.

Liam's diagnosis two years ago was language processing delays with an anxiety disorder along with "ongoing risk for obsessive compulsive disorder." That risk is now being realized and I've had to come to terms with the fact that his behavior isn't a product of his inability to communicate like other eight year olds. His language processing issues are separate from his anxiety/OCD issues. He has two very distinct things to deal with.

I'm so angry. So so angry at this. I feel like I want to hit something or scream or do what I've been doing off and on the last day and a half - cry. It's not fair. He's starting to realize he's different. He knows when to hide things from other kids so they won't make fun of him, and the stress of bottling it up makes it worse. Two days ago in a fit of excitement he rattled off a sentence to me that made not one bit of sense; a litany of words totally unrelated to what he was trying to tell me and words totally unrelated to each other. It was something like, "Ball kitchen red boy go." He recovered quickly and said, "Oh, I mean..." but it was out there. And though it doesn't happen often, it has happened more than once before.

I feel like this latest assessment has sent me over the edge as far as hope for his future. I think he can be successful - with his IQ he can do pretty much anything he wants as long as he can keep the anxiety at bay while at school and, in the future, his workplace. But I worry about the future of his social life. His ability to be able to really know people. Our ability to finally feel like we really know him. I wonder if I'll ever really know him. And that kills me.

Word of the Day.

My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and/ or employment, and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe, but i would have to demand compensation. - Urban Dictionary Word of the Day September 14, 2007

Ok, that made me laugh. Because I love Ben Stiller and his milkshake is completely disturbing:



Happy Friday.

Thank you.

Suddenly there was a great burst of light through the Darkness. The light spread out and where it touched the Darkness the Darkness disappeared. The light spread until the patch of Dark Thing had vanished, and there was only a gentle shining, and through the shining came the stars, clear and pure. Then, slowly, the shining dwindled until it, too, was gone, and there was nothing but stars and starlight. No shadows. No fear. Only the stars and the clear darkness of space, quite different from the fearful darkness of the Thing. - A Wrinkle In Time


Madeleine L'Engle
November 29, 1918 – September 6, 2007

Movies I'm looking forward to.

What day is this? Wednesday? Ok, then. We'll call this the new "Wednesday movie feature of some sort for which I will come up with a catchy name but for now it'll have to do" (or "WMFOSSFWIWCUWACNBFNIHTD" for short.)

There are quite a few movies that totally get past us and we didn't realize they were ever released until we see them when we're building our Netflix que. So here are a few trailers for movies* I'm looking forward to seeing at some point:

First, Dan in Real Life:



Also, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium:



And, can I just say for the record that I adore Dustin Hoffman, Jason Bateman and Natalie Portman. I am very interested in seeing them all in the same movie. And I have a serious girl crush on Natalie Portman. That's all, move along.

Last for today, Feast of Love. I really like Greg Kinear and this looks good ("You can't have the dog back. He's bonded with us"... HA!):



*I originally saw these trailers on the Apple site in high def so if you are able you should definitely check out the higher quality versions of these, especially the "Mr. Magorium's" trailer. So pretty.

Civilized Taunting 101.

Liam (out of the blue): Sean, you're just a figurehead.

Sean (all insulted): Dad, Liam just called me a figurehead! I'm not a figurehead!

Rusty: Just call Liam a "Filibuster" then you'll be even.

Me: Thanks so much for keeping it civil and not telling him to bust out a response about Liam's puppet régime.

More burning of the metal.

*Edited to add this comment from my mom: "The photo doesn't do this justice, especially the wings!" (thanks, Mom!) And I agree, the photo is horrible. The silver is shinier in real life and the wings are definitely more cool in person too. Also? This is not something to be worn! It's just to hang in a window or on the wall (probably should have mentioned that before!)

So I am all about the soldering this week. I made this using a special photo, 2" glass pieces, some vintage glass beads and some brass angel wings soldered over and texturized (is that a word?) I've been waiting to use the gold crown charm forever and it was totally perfect for the size of the piece.


P.S. Sorry about the photo - it's hanging from the chandelier in my workroom and the lighting is kind of wonky. But now I'm in love with the possibilities of what I can do with glass and solder and anything metal I can stick on to them!

Soldering is fun.

* For the time being, any post that includes artwork will be cross-posted to the Faith & Art blog as well.

So I have been obsessed with soldering lately. Actually, I've been obsessed with figuring out how to solder correctly. Apparently you need a soldering iron that actually gets hot enough (seriously?) I ordered some one inch square glass pieces online and they are a great thickness (2 mm) and give a lot more weight to the pendant.



These two photos are the same pendant, front and back. Notice the lumpy soldering job (I'll call it an artistic decision and pretend it's supposed to be lumpy. We'll call it "texture", thanks.) One side is cut from the queen of hearts card from a very old deck of bicycle cards and the "S" on the other side is from a vintage dominos advertisement. It think the vintage ad sheet came from Marco's? Or maybe The Queen's Ink. Not sure.



I've been wanting to try this because I have all kinds of ideas for it - I'm going to make Christmas ornaments using vintage Christmas postal stamps and papers, I want to try making a suncatcher with a photograph printed on transparency in between the glass and I want to see what other fun stuff I can come up with. I'll make sure to keep posting the results!

Tadpole update.

*Updated Sunday afternoon

Well, apparently we have two American Bullfrog tadpoles (identifiable by their "dorsal fin" style appendage from the body to the tip of the tail, their dark green color and their honking huge size.) They will be tadpoles for up to two years before becoming frogs. And? Once they're frogs? They'll be even more ginormous. Here is a photo I found online:


These polliwogs are going back into the Little Miami where they came from. Because if we take them somewhere that doesn't currently have a American Bullfrog population? They will mature then wipe out many of the native species that currently reside there.

P.S. Mature bullfrogs eat anything that fits into their mouth - that includes baby ducklings, small mammals and anything else that gets close enough. I think I need to go throw up now. I am not taking care of a pet that requires dead mammals to survive. We did that once (ask me about the mice pops sometime.)

Inspiration.

*This is a X-post with the Faith & Art Blog

So these are some photos I meant to post earlier. They're samples from the Stamper's Anonymous booth at this year's Stampaway.



Some of these are cards.




Some of them are covers to art or travel journals.




All of them are three dimensional (and are in plastic covers which is why there is a weird glare on them in some shots.)




This is only one of the booths that just about made me swoon at Stampaway. The inspiration was overwhelming and the ideas and samples were beautiful.



I'm planning on making some more handmade/hand-bound books this fall. I'd love to add some of these three-dimensional elements to them along the spine and on the covers and even some inside cut out or niches in the book itself (so you'd have to write around a hole housing a little bead or charm.) I love the weight the three dimensional objects give the pieces overall - they go from flat cards to mini works of art that could easily be framed and hung on a wall.

I need to go clean up my workroom. And find my soldering iron.

House guests.

We have some visitors from Loveland staying over. I say "visitors" because they're already skeeving me out. They were gifted to us during a picnic at Nisbet Park yesterday and of course, the kids couldn't turn down a free pet. But as pets go, these things are pretty sub-par. They're either totally still or freaking out. Last night they got a tad rowdy and I had to put the lid on the top to stop the splashing about. And they're totally not huggable (to quote my sister, "they feel like little water balloons filled with squish.") These two are a great arguement for something furry.

Anyway, we weren't sure they'd make it through the night (Rusty said if they died we should just tell the boys they "ran away." HA!) But they made it. So for the time being*, please say hello to Jean-Claude and Phillipe.


"Jean-Claude" and "Phillipe", you ask? Because they're round and green. Of course.


*"For the time being" because these are the biggest tadpoles I've ever seen. They're like green ping-pong balls with hind legs. And by the time they grow into frogs? These things will be large and noisy. And too big to live in peace and harmony together in one little tank. They're pushing the peace and harmony now as it is (I think Jean-Claude bit Phillipe's tail.)(And he is now being referred to as Jean-Claude Van Frog. Because he's big and beefy and apparently kicks tadpole tail.)

Running and yelling. Good times.

breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark

So I wrote that post this morning and admitted I started my day in a really crappy mood. But it lingered and even after church (which was great and I love our church) I was still exhausted from our late night and my early morning wake up call from Sean. I actually took a nap this afternoon but even after getting some rest I couldn't shake my mood. Since my last run was Wednesday night I strapped on the shuffle and locked myself in the basement until I had taken all of my crankiness out on the treadmill. I think I can finally be allowed back into the general population without fear of me biting your head off for some totally random and seemingly harmless comment.

I've posted about it before but Bring me to life by Evanescence is a really powerful worship song for me. It's my go-to song when I'm feeling myself slipping into a mood like this and feel like I can't shake it. I'm pretty sure the yelling helps (yelling on the iPod. Not me literally. Because if I tried to yell and run at the same time I'd pass out. I mean, I've been running again for a little while now but I'm not at "able to run and yell" level yet. I'll have to get on that.)

I'm better now.

*Here are the full lyrics from the last time I posted about this song if you want to read through them: http://byhisdesign.blogspot.com/2005/05/non-christian-music-part-ii.html

Sunday morning confession.

It's 6:30 am and Sean just came in to our room, told me he was scared about something and jumped into bed with us. It doesn't happen often so the snuggle time was nice. Until he went back to sleep, started snoring and my arm went tingly then numb.

I extracted myself and came down to the kitchen where I'm now sitting and brooding over the fact that I have no coffee to make at the moment. I just woke up cranky. Probably because I went to bed cranky. I hate being cranky! Especially when I know what's causing it and feel like I can't do anything to fix the cause. Meh. Boo, cranky.

The cause? Liam had a hideous afternoon and evening yesterday. On the one hand, I feel like I should know better and should not be surprised by the multiple crying fits and screaming I heard throughout the evening. We should be used to it. It's what he does and it's why we moved and why we are now where we are. But? This summer has been great with him. And he hasn't had very many meltdowns since school got out. And it's been wonderful. I've had so much fun watching him have fun this summer. He's been relaxed and happy and that is a huge blessing.

So last night was kind of a shock, like throwing cold water in my face and telling me to wake up it's time for reality to kick back in. He was just whiney at first but that progressed into yelling at people which turned into flat out crying with some screaming thrown in for good measure. Oh, and I forgot to mention the second half of the afternoon was spent at my high school's annual alumni soccer game so there were people I was hoping to catch up with but instead found myself so preoccupied that I barely got out more than one or two word answers to any friendly questions I was asked.

And that's where the confession comes in. I was irritated with Liam. I was upset because in my head this was supposed to be my turn to sit and talk and enjoy myself and I was irritated that I felt like I had to keep track of Liam from time to time instead. Most of the other kids were playing together without any problem - and to his credit, Liam did too for a little while. But I'd hear that yelling going on and have to run back and pull him aside until he could calm himself down. Then this wave of "I'm tired of this" and "I'm not ready for this to start again when school starts" hit me and my night went downhill from there. And it's totally my own fault. I know why we've moved back and I know we've had to have meetings with schools and teachers and I've been at the hospital with him when he had his stress migraine thing. I know all this and it's not his fault and yet I still let it get to me. And I let myself be upset with him which isn't fair.

I know I had three conversations last night where I either didn't give the person my full attention or had to outright interrupt the other person to excuse myself to go figure out what had happened to cause a specific meltdown. It was embarrassing to me though those people probably didn't see it as such a big deal. But by the end of the night I felt like I needed to give Liam a break so we dropped him off with my mom to spend the night then head out to the farm with Grandpa today. Farm time with Grandpa is pretty stress-free and low-key.

So now it's 8:40 and I need a shower and to get ready for church. I just talked to my mom and cried a little bit to her. And her years of mom experience were what I needed to hear and she made me feel better then put Liam on the phone while he waited for Grandpa to get a move on so they can go already, Grandpa!

Liam's fine, I'm fine and I'm happy we're going to church this morning so I can throw all of this at God and tell Him to hold onto it because I cannot deal with my own stupidity and Liam's stress at the same time.

Chocolate Remix.

So, Jodi, here is it. I'm not a huge John Mayer fan. I like much of his music, I just can't watch the guy sing (looks like he's having tongue seizures.)

(Can you have tongue seizures?)

But he won me over with this. He had me at "smells a little bit like poopy, poopy" and waving his hand under his nose.



If you've never heard of Chocolate Rain? All I can say is consider yourself blessed and don't pursue it. If you feel the need to check it out don't say I didn't warn you. And no, it doesn't have to do with poop. It doesn't really have to do with anything when you get right down to it.

Monday night randomosity.

Listening to one of the Scrubs soundtracks and editing photos from the last six months. And totally having the urge to rummage through all of my old crap to see if there is anything I can use to make funky jewelry. Not sure what started that... ok, yeah, I do know.

Our friend, Sandy, wife to Rusty's best friend and object of my envy because she lives on the Eastern Shore and can go down to the beach and collect beach glass whenever she feels like it. Sandy has had her two boys helping her collect beach glass for a while now and is tiling one wall of their first floor powder room with it. It's completely gorgeous so far and I love the idea of using (re-using, I guess) something like that. The color of the glass is so subtle and beautiful with the paint color they used. And to be using a material that your kids help you collect just makes it that much better. I'm in love with this idea and jealous that I can't do it. And I never thought of it.

Ok, so in all honesty, "beach glass" from the Ohio River? Not so attractive I'm thinking. Maybe some random bits of Skyline take-away cartons and some wet White Castle boxes? Now that's a bathroom! (I hope Rusty never reads this one because I am so not papering the bathroom with Skyline and White Castle. Though... ok, nevermind. Not moving another word closer to that line of thinking.)

Anyway, back to the actual beach glass and pale blues and greens and memories of the bay and sand... Sandy also had a great necklace - just a piece of well worn pale blue/green beach glass that was actually the broken off piece of a neck of a very small bottle. She strung some cord through it and was wearing it when we were over. The combination of the texture and color and "foundness" of it all overwhelmed me and I've been enthralled with the idea of making jewelry from my own found objects ever since.

I've been seeing these Trollbead things lately and though they're gorgeous, I can't afford a $500, $600, $700 and beyond bracelet. I can't justify that. But I'm just as happy using something else that means something to me so it's all good. I'll look around. And Stampaway is coming up so that's more inspiration (I think I just drooled on my keyboard a little.)

I'm finding as I get older that I care less about the "cool new thing" and seem to be more drawn to old stuff I find, the stuff that has a memory falling away from it as I pick it up from the box where it's been sitting for years. Last week I found my old jewelry box in the garage in a bin packed from the move. In it were a tenth grade Christmas present from my first real boyfriend (one of the good ones) and a little clay charm one of my YoungLife girls made for me at the craft table at Lake Champion one year. Both of those things made me smile the moment I saw them. Madeleine L'Engle calls them icons and really, they are icons in the sense that many earlier Christians thought of them. They're things that bring to mind more important feelings and emotions. Things I would love to randomly remember throughout the day. So I'm on the lookout for things that fall into that catagory and we'll see what happens. I'll report back with photos if anything fun comes of it.

*Fun sidenote: "Hollywood Family" neighbors? Their son auditioned for a role on Scrubs this past spring. If he gets it, he would play a young J.D. in a sequence where J.D. has a conversation with his unborn child (you know, by Dr. Super-Garden-Tool who told him she had a miscarriage?) Anyway, we're totally geeked out by the fact that our neighbor's seven-year old hung around the set for a few days. If it had been me I'd have had to fight the urge to ask Dr. Cox if he still loves Michael Bolton ("No talent ass clown") and keep myself from revealing my girl crush on Carla. And from stealing Rowdy. But that's another post altogether.

Regarding the videos.

Not sure what's up with YouTube but the videos are playing ok for us here. The setting was "Private" so I changed it and am also adding the URLs here to click and watch on the YouTube site itself if you want. Not sure it's worth it but hey, feel free.

Click here for the beach slide show

Click here for the short beach video clip

Click here for the GE Reds Day slideshow

Ok. That's all... until I play with more photos.

Another Video. Because I can.

Yep, someone figured out iPhoto, iMovie, GarageBand and YouTube all within the same ten minutes. Enjoy this filler post until something better comes along.

Beach Video Clip.

Very short video clip from the beach last Monday. Enjoy. And turn up the volume because Sean's giggling is way cute.

Ocean City, 2007

Some random photos from our trip to Ocean City, Maryland this past week. It was Liam, Sean, Rusty's mom and I (that's Rusty's mom in the tie-dye.) The waves were huge and the current was pretty strong so the boys stayed close to shore and jumped in the waves rather than "swimming."

The sex talk.

"Let's talk about sex, bay-bee. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk abooooout sex." - Salt N' Peppa

WARNING: IN CASE IT HASN'T ALREADY OCCURRED TO YOU, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME SEX HERE. PLEASE BE ADVISED.

Today, I'm writing from Maryland. From my mother-in-law's living room, actually. The boys and I drove out Thursday. Since I was going to be doing all eight or nine hours of driving while the boys watched movies in the back (using earphones) I decided to upload the church podcasts of the services we'd missed over the last three or four months. As we headed toward Columbus up I-7, I powered up the iPod. The first podcast episode on the list - a talk on sex.

It starts with Tom (the pastor) apparently walking up front while Justin Timberlake's Bringing Sexy Back plays. Then he starts the talk by saying "Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, SEX!" just to get it out there. He divided the talk into one part geared toward parents with older kids, one toward single people, and one toward married people. The married person part was easy to take. But the one aimed at single people was hard for me to hear. Even though it's been ten years since I was a non-married person, there are things from the talk that made it hard for me to keep from turning the podcast off altogether.

As anyone who's ever been in a youth group can tell you, virginity is a church teenager's prized possession. Which I actually agree with. But for someone raised to believe that then to have it pretty much stomped all over, it's hard to recover. So, wait... what am I saying? Did I just basically come out and say I had no choice in the matter? Well, actually, I did just say that.

When I was a senior in high school I had been dating a guy for about six months. Seemed to be a nice guy, my family liked him and he was cute. Then one night in our family room, with my parents sleeping upstairs, a normal kissing session turned into something else even after I said, "No, don't" quite a few times. I remember walking up to my bedroom later in pain and confused about what had just happened. I didn't wake my parents to tell them because I wasn't exactly sure what I was telling them.

When you hear about these kinds of things they seem so huge and life changing (and they are) but when they're actually occurring, that minute right before is exactly like that minute right after in that the clock is still ticking, the TV show is still moving along, and no one on earth has been jolted from their sleep in the knowledge that something horrible has happened. Life just goes on. And it's a really stark contrast to how you're feeling on the inside.

The next day I had to work (at Kings Island, where the boyfriend worked also) and I remember I didn't see my mom and dad that morning for whatever reason. I went in to work a few minutes early to confront the boyfriend because I was very seriously pissed off. And when I found him and said something (while fighting back the urge to smack him and cry at the same time) he just looked at me and said, "It takes two to tango." That was it. And I? Was horrified.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I didn't say, "No" loud enough or forcefully enough? Maybe I just felt bad afterwards? So instead of telling my parents I tried to hide it from everyone I knew. And please, understand that this was never a "they won't believe me" kind of thing. I thought, at that point, that there was nothing to "believe" and I had just given away my most prized possession and was going to hell (or a least an unhappy, messed up marriage sometime in my future.) As bad as that was? It gets worse.

I stayed with the boyfriend. For almost a year. But I knew I didn't like this guy anymore (shocker.) I was just afraid to break-up and end up finding another boyfriend at some point and not know what to tell them if the topic came up. Which of course, it always did. Sex always comes up with college guys. Sometimes it gets talked about in a good way. I know there are decent college guys who can talk about in the context of "it's ok, we'll wait." But I didn't find them.

I found two more who assumed that since I was no longer a virgin that it didn't matter at that point. And I stupidly agreed. It was completely my decision but part of that decision was based on the fact that I was in uncharted territory. I knew virginity was important. But youth group people never talked about what to do if that was altered. What little bit of self-esteem I had was totally gone because I honestly believed that my worth as a Christian was in the toilet because I'd broken one of the cardinal rules.

So, why did I just type all that? Why go into it again? Well, for one reason because last time I "got into it" I just left it half-dealt with. A few months before Rusty and I got married, I started having a hard time with a family situation. I started going to therapy before the wedding. And this incident with the boyfriend came up. The therapist asked why I couldn't say the word "rape." Was it because I believed it was easier to say it was partly my fault? Because then it just becomes a "bad decision" on my part and I could pretend I had some control over what happened.

Looking back since I finally came to God and fell in a big heap, I know the therapist was right. By not facing it for what it was back then I traded in my self-worth and was miserable for the next four years or so. And I realized I made my parents and family and some of my friends miserable while I was at it.

So now I think you might  be wondering how it's possible that I'm not totally f-ed up regarding being married and sex after all that. Honestly? I don't entirely know though I have some ideas. First of all, what happened was hard emotionally for me. But not as bad as the guilt I felt when I started to believe it was my fault. When it was "my fault" it made it feel as though I'd made a choice against God and that was unthinkable to me. I didn't have the greatest image of God when I was a teenager and really thought it was all about the rules and doing stuff right. And forgiveness was just something you said and not the grace and redemption that I understand now.

The God and "doing something wrong" thing was an issue for me, and my misunderstanding of it all drove me farther and farther from my faith. Coming to Christ and being able to finally say, "Ok, this wasn't my fault" have done wonders for me being able to get on with my life.

Do I wish I'd have done something to this boyfriend to hold him accountable? Of course I do. Do I want some sort of justice now? No. I feel like I've been able to get to a good place and would rather never have to deal with this person ever again. I'm really truly happy with the life I have now and where I am in relation to my faith and relationship with God.

And I hope I can finally sit through a sex talk and not feel a twinge of uneasiness or panic.

Happy Girl.

Yeah, ok, so I've been so very inconsistant with the writing this summer. Seriously, if you think this blog is neglected you should see the condition of my house.

I wish I could say it's been something very important that's kept me from taking the time to update. I mean, it is something important but the reality of that is it's just life at the moment. Summer and Kings Island and swimming and watching our boys enjoy themselves and relaxing and going to see movies and being happy. Every time I see my sister and her nephew I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that even though the world seems to be losing it's collective mind there are still people willing to deviate from their carefully planned lives to spend their time and money loving someone who needs to be loved. Watching this unfold is also making me happy. I know the little things like being at the pool with the boys? Makes me happier than is probably reasonable. But overall we've not had a normal summer in four years. We've spent our summers moving halfway cross country, taking care of a niece in trouble, renovating a house and moving back halfway across country again. It's nice to be able to enjoy the summer break.

That's not to say that I don't understand that there are still people we love and care about dealing with stress - and sometimes I end up in tears as I pray for my family and friends and what they go through, or wondering if anything we've done the last four years really matters. But I feel like I can finally be more objective and see that there's always some aspect of "good" and "right" in what's gone on no matter how stressful it seemed at the time.

We're leaving for Maryland on the 19th and I'm so excited to see Deedie and Ashley and Wood and hopefully Betsy (Hi, Betsy!) and Erik and so many others I miss every day we're not there. The friends we left behind are honestly some of the most important people in my life and I often find myself wondering why God blessed me with these people. What did I do to deserve to be friends with Deedie "She who is fabulous" Stuart? I just got lucky and I'm totally fine with that.