Rusty and I haven't been to church in two months. No. We're not heathens. We are parents. And we are still moving and unpacking. And we're human. But I will be honest. Rusty is a lot more willing to try to get to church than I am lately.
This morning, when we woke up, Rusty said "Let's try to get to church" and I felt this knot in my stomach. I don't want to go. And I've been trying to figure out why. This is what I'll be working out in my head and on here, so bear with me.
Good god. I just wrote eight very long paragraphs. Too much for me to read, let alone someone else. Summary? Born Catholic, divorced parents, mom remarried and we became Baptist. Baptists messed up a few years later, family migrated to Assembly of God church (next door to my Christian school) by default. Sent to Christian school for entire life except bizarre break from reality when attended Catholic school for first semester of second grade to appease my grandma. Tossed out of Catholic school when they found out we weren't, in fact, Catholic and would not be allowed to make first communion with rest of class. Yay, fun. Saw a lot of pretend Christians at school on weekdays and church on Sundays. I was a pretend Christian myself. "Became a Christian" at age 21 and have been evolving and learning what that means to my life ever since.
There are a few specific things I need to work out:
1. Why do I dislike church? I love our church here in Maryland (Go Cedar Ridge!). And I loved Vineyard in Cincinnati. But for some reason, I forget that in between Sundays and when I hear the word "church" I seize up.
2. I feel like I let someone down in a very serious way. Such a serious way that I'm not sure I can talk about it right now. We'll work on that and get back to you.
3. I have had thoughts about my faith and beliefs lately that seem like revelations but at the same time scare me because some of them don't seem particularly "Christian".
OK. So. That's about it for me.
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1 comment:
Wow, that was me before I was married I think. However even though I also had some sort of weird, yet somewhat abnormally normal upbringing, I just don't have a story like that, and I guess I should be greatful, but on the otherhand I always feel in many situations I have nothing to share, or if I did share I come off as some super Christian who did everything right (not the case). The only wierdness about my Spiritual upbringing was we went to church but my dad did not. Until my mom threatened divorce, and he thought him going to church would make it all better. I never thought as a child him not going was wierd, it was just how it was. My thing is, and I guess this is sort of advice. You know the truth, and you know what an abnormal spiritual upbringing looks like, you have the oppurtunity to break that cycle. Do it while your kids are young so you can create what "normal" looks like and they won't know any different. I hope that doesn't sound bad. I am eternally greatful for my mom taking me to church every sunday to the same place, and having amazing sunday school teachers who loved me, and gave me a good foundation to build upon during the hard times in my life. Ooops sorry long comment.
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