Fallen world.

I have heard that term so many times. We live in a "fallen world." Death and sickness and heart-break because of sin. I know. I get it. But all the times I've heard it and thought it, it was about someone else. Someone else's child or spouse or situation. This time it's mine. My son. My son with the genius IQ who can't effectively communicate how he feels about some of the simplest things without falling apart. The one who has tics and repetative moments because the stress pushes him over the edge to the point that it's the only way he can feel in control.

Liam's diagnosis two years ago was language processing delays with an anxiety disorder along with "ongoing risk for obsessive compulsive disorder." That risk is now being realized and I've had to come to terms with the fact that his behavior isn't a product of his inability to communicate like other eight year olds. His language processing issues are separate from his anxiety/OCD issues. He has two very distinct things to deal with.

I'm so angry. So so angry at this. I feel like I want to hit something or scream or do what I've been doing off and on the last day and a half - cry. It's not fair. He's starting to realize he's different. He knows when to hide things from other kids so they won't make fun of him, and the stress of bottling it up makes it worse. Two days ago in a fit of excitement he rattled off a sentence to me that made not one bit of sense; a litany of words totally unrelated to what he was trying to tell me and words totally unrelated to each other. It was something like, "Ball kitchen red boy go." He recovered quickly and said, "Oh, I mean..." but it was out there. And though it doesn't happen often, it has happened more than once before.

I feel like this latest assessment has sent me over the edge as far as hope for his future. I think he can be successful - with his IQ he can do pretty much anything he wants as long as he can keep the anxiety at bay while at school and, in the future, his workplace. But I worry about the future of his social life. His ability to be able to really know people. Our ability to finally feel like we really know him. I wonder if I'll ever really know him. And that kills me.

Word of the Day.

My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and/ or employment, and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe, but i would have to demand compensation. - Urban Dictionary Word of the Day September 14, 2007

Ok, that made me laugh. Because I love Ben Stiller and his milkshake is completely disturbing:



Happy Friday.

Thank you.

Suddenly there was a great burst of light through the Darkness. The light spread out and where it touched the Darkness the Darkness disappeared. The light spread until the patch of Dark Thing had vanished, and there was only a gentle shining, and through the shining came the stars, clear and pure. Then, slowly, the shining dwindled until it, too, was gone, and there was nothing but stars and starlight. No shadows. No fear. Only the stars and the clear darkness of space, quite different from the fearful darkness of the Thing. - A Wrinkle In Time


Madeleine L'Engle
November 29, 1918 – September 6, 2007

Movies I'm looking forward to.

What day is this? Wednesday? Ok, then. We'll call this the new "Wednesday movie feature of some sort for which I will come up with a catchy name but for now it'll have to do" (or "WMFOSSFWIWCUWACNBFNIHTD" for short.)

There are quite a few movies that totally get past us and we didn't realize they were ever released until we see them when we're building our Netflix que. So here are a few trailers for movies* I'm looking forward to seeing at some point:

First, Dan in Real Life:



Also, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium:



And, can I just say for the record that I adore Dustin Hoffman, Jason Bateman and Natalie Portman. I am very interested in seeing them all in the same movie. And I have a serious girl crush on Natalie Portman. That's all, move along.

Last for today, Feast of Love. I really like Greg Kinear and this looks good ("You can't have the dog back. He's bonded with us"... HA!):



*I originally saw these trailers on the Apple site in high def so if you are able you should definitely check out the higher quality versions of these, especially the "Mr. Magorium's" trailer. So pretty.

Civilized Taunting 101.

Liam (out of the blue): Sean, you're just a figurehead.

Sean (all insulted): Dad, Liam just called me a figurehead! I'm not a figurehead!

Rusty: Just call Liam a "Filibuster" then you'll be even.

Me: Thanks so much for keeping it civil and not telling him to bust out a response about Liam's puppet régime.

More burning of the metal.

*Edited to add this comment from my mom: "The photo doesn't do this justice, especially the wings!" (thanks, Mom!) And I agree, the photo is horrible. The silver is shinier in real life and the wings are definitely more cool in person too. Also? This is not something to be worn! It's just to hang in a window or on the wall (probably should have mentioned that before!)

So I am all about the soldering this week. I made this using a special photo, 2" glass pieces, some vintage glass beads and some brass angel wings soldered over and texturized (is that a word?) I've been waiting to use the gold crown charm forever and it was totally perfect for the size of the piece.


P.S. Sorry about the photo - it's hanging from the chandelier in my workroom and the lighting is kind of wonky. But now I'm in love with the possibilities of what I can do with glass and solder and anything metal I can stick on to them!

Soldering is fun.

* For the time being, any post that includes artwork will be cross-posted to the Faith & Art blog as well.

So I have been obsessed with soldering lately. Actually, I've been obsessed with figuring out how to solder correctly. Apparently you need a soldering iron that actually gets hot enough (seriously?) I ordered some one inch square glass pieces online and they are a great thickness (2 mm) and give a lot more weight to the pendant.



These two photos are the same pendant, front and back. Notice the lumpy soldering job (I'll call it an artistic decision and pretend it's supposed to be lumpy. We'll call it "texture", thanks.) One side is cut from the queen of hearts card from a very old deck of bicycle cards and the "S" on the other side is from a vintage dominos advertisement. It think the vintage ad sheet came from Marco's? Or maybe The Queen's Ink. Not sure.



I've been wanting to try this because I have all kinds of ideas for it - I'm going to make Christmas ornaments using vintage Christmas postal stamps and papers, I want to try making a suncatcher with a photograph printed on transparency in between the glass and I want to see what other fun stuff I can come up with. I'll make sure to keep posting the results!

Tadpole update.

*Updated Sunday afternoon

Well, apparently we have two American Bullfrog tadpoles (identifiable by their "dorsal fin" style appendage from the body to the tip of the tail, their dark green color and their honking huge size.) They will be tadpoles for up to two years before becoming frogs. And? Once they're frogs? They'll be even more ginormous. Here is a photo I found online:


These polliwogs are going back into the Little Miami where they came from. Because if we take them somewhere that doesn't currently have a American Bullfrog population? They will mature then wipe out many of the native species that currently reside there.

P.S. Mature bullfrogs eat anything that fits into their mouth - that includes baby ducklings, small mammals and anything else that gets close enough. I think I need to go throw up now. I am not taking care of a pet that requires dead mammals to survive. We did that once (ask me about the mice pops sometime.)

Inspiration.

*This is a X-post with the Faith & Art Blog

So these are some photos I meant to post earlier. They're samples from the Stamper's Anonymous booth at this year's Stampaway.



Some of these are cards.




Some of them are covers to art or travel journals.




All of them are three dimensional (and are in plastic covers which is why there is a weird glare on them in some shots.)




This is only one of the booths that just about made me swoon at Stampaway. The inspiration was overwhelming and the ideas and samples were beautiful.



I'm planning on making some more handmade/hand-bound books this fall. I'd love to add some of these three-dimensional elements to them along the spine and on the covers and even some inside cut out or niches in the book itself (so you'd have to write around a hole housing a little bead or charm.) I love the weight the three dimensional objects give the pieces overall - they go from flat cards to mini works of art that could easily be framed and hung on a wall.

I need to go clean up my workroom. And find my soldering iron.

House guests.

We have some visitors from Loveland staying over. I say "visitors" because they're already skeeving me out. They were gifted to us during a picnic at Nisbet Park yesterday and of course, the kids couldn't turn down a free pet. But as pets go, these things are pretty sub-par. They're either totally still or freaking out. Last night they got a tad rowdy and I had to put the lid on the top to stop the splashing about. And they're totally not huggable (to quote my sister, "they feel like little water balloons filled with squish.") These two are a great arguement for something furry.

Anyway, we weren't sure they'd make it through the night (Rusty said if they died we should just tell the boys they "ran away." HA!) But they made it. So for the time being*, please say hello to Jean-Claude and Phillipe.


"Jean-Claude" and "Phillipe", you ask? Because they're round and green. Of course.


*"For the time being" because these are the biggest tadpoles I've ever seen. They're like green ping-pong balls with hind legs. And by the time they grow into frogs? These things will be large and noisy. And too big to live in peace and harmony together in one little tank. They're pushing the peace and harmony now as it is (I think Jean-Claude bit Phillipe's tail.)(And he is now being referred to as Jean-Claude Van Frog. Because he's big and beefy and apparently kicks tadpole tail.)

Running and yelling. Good times.

breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark

So I wrote that post this morning and admitted I started my day in a really crappy mood. But it lingered and even after church (which was great and I love our church) I was still exhausted from our late night and my early morning wake up call from Sean. I actually took a nap this afternoon but even after getting some rest I couldn't shake my mood. Since my last run was Wednesday night I strapped on the shuffle and locked myself in the basement until I had taken all of my crankiness out on the treadmill. I think I can finally be allowed back into the general population without fear of me biting your head off for some totally random and seemingly harmless comment.

I've posted about it before but Bring me to life by Evanescence is a really powerful worship song for me. It's my go-to song when I'm feeling myself slipping into a mood like this and feel like I can't shake it. I'm pretty sure the yelling helps (yelling on the iPod. Not me literally. Because if I tried to yell and run at the same time I'd pass out. I mean, I've been running again for a little while now but I'm not at "able to run and yell" level yet. I'll have to get on that.)

I'm better now.

*Here are the full lyrics from the last time I posted about this song if you want to read through them: http://byhisdesign.blogspot.com/2005/05/non-christian-music-part-ii.html

Sunday morning confession.

It's 6:30 am and Sean just came in to our room, told me he was scared about something and jumped into bed with us. It doesn't happen often so the snuggle time was nice. Until he went back to sleep, started snoring and my arm went tingly then numb.

I extracted myself and came down to the kitchen where I'm now sitting and brooding over the fact that I have no coffee to make at the moment. I just woke up cranky. Probably because I went to bed cranky. I hate being cranky! Especially when I know what's causing it and feel like I can't do anything to fix the cause. Meh. Boo, cranky.

The cause? Liam had a hideous afternoon and evening yesterday. On the one hand, I feel like I should know better and should not be surprised by the multiple crying fits and screaming I heard throughout the evening. We should be used to it. It's what he does and it's why we moved and why we are now where we are. But? This summer has been great with him. And he hasn't had very many meltdowns since school got out. And it's been wonderful. I've had so much fun watching him have fun this summer. He's been relaxed and happy and that is a huge blessing.

So last night was kind of a shock, like throwing cold water in my face and telling me to wake up it's time for reality to kick back in. He was just whiney at first but that progressed into yelling at people which turned into flat out crying with some screaming thrown in for good measure. Oh, and I forgot to mention the second half of the afternoon was spent at my high school's annual alumni soccer game so there were people I was hoping to catch up with but instead found myself so preoccupied that I barely got out more than one or two word answers to any friendly questions I was asked.

And that's where the confession comes in. I was irritated with Liam. I was upset because in my head this was supposed to be my turn to sit and talk and enjoy myself and I was irritated that I felt like I had to keep track of Liam from time to time instead. Most of the other kids were playing together without any problem - and to his credit, Liam did too for a little while. But I'd hear that yelling going on and have to run back and pull him aside until he could calm himself down. Then this wave of "I'm tired of this" and "I'm not ready for this to start again when school starts" hit me and my night went downhill from there. And it's totally my own fault. I know why we've moved back and I know we've had to have meetings with schools and teachers and I've been at the hospital with him when he had his stress migraine thing. I know all this and it's not his fault and yet I still let it get to me. And I let myself be upset with him which isn't fair.

I know I had three conversations last night where I either didn't give the person my full attention or had to outright interrupt the other person to excuse myself to go figure out what had happened to cause a specific meltdown. It was embarrassing to me though those people probably didn't see it as such a big deal. But by the end of the night I felt like I needed to give Liam a break so we dropped him off with my mom to spend the night then head out to the farm with Grandpa today. Farm time with Grandpa is pretty stress-free and low-key.

So now it's 8:40 and I need a shower and to get ready for church. I just talked to my mom and cried a little bit to her. And her years of mom experience were what I needed to hear and she made me feel better then put Liam on the phone while he waited for Grandpa to get a move on so they can go already, Grandpa!

Liam's fine, I'm fine and I'm happy we're going to church this morning so I can throw all of this at God and tell Him to hold onto it because I cannot deal with my own stupidity and Liam's stress at the same time.

Chocolate Remix.

So, Jodi, here is it. I'm not a huge John Mayer fan. I like much of his music, I just can't watch the guy sing (looks like he's having tongue seizures.)

(Can you have tongue seizures?)

But he won me over with this. He had me at "smells a little bit like poopy, poopy" and waving his hand under his nose.



If you've never heard of Chocolate Rain? All I can say is consider yourself blessed and don't pursue it. If you feel the need to check it out don't say I didn't warn you. And no, it doesn't have to do with poop. It doesn't really have to do with anything when you get right down to it.

Monday night randomosity.

Listening to one of the Scrubs soundtracks and editing photos from the last six months. And totally having the urge to rummage through all of my old crap to see if there is anything I can use to make funky jewelry. Not sure what started that... ok, yeah, I do know.

Our friend, Sandy, wife to Rusty's best friend and object of my envy because she lives on the Eastern Shore and can go down to the beach and collect beach glass whenever she feels like it. Sandy has had her two boys helping her collect beach glass for a while now and is tiling one wall of their first floor powder room with it. It's completely gorgeous so far and I love the idea of using (re-using, I guess) something like that. The color of the glass is so subtle and beautiful with the paint color they used. And to be using a material that your kids help you collect just makes it that much better. I'm in love with this idea and jealous that I can't do it. And I never thought of it.

Ok, so in all honesty, "beach glass" from the Ohio River? Not so attractive I'm thinking. Maybe some random bits of Skyline take-away cartons and some wet White Castle boxes? Now that's a bathroom! (I hope Rusty never reads this one because I am so not papering the bathroom with Skyline and White Castle. Though... ok, nevermind. Not moving another word closer to that line of thinking.)

Anyway, back to the actual beach glass and pale blues and greens and memories of the bay and sand... Sandy also had a great necklace - just a piece of well worn pale blue/green beach glass that was actually the broken off piece of a neck of a very small bottle. She strung some cord through it and was wearing it when we were over. The combination of the texture and color and "foundness" of it all overwhelmed me and I've been enthralled with the idea of making jewelry from my own found objects ever since.

I've been seeing these Trollbead things lately and though they're gorgeous, I can't afford a $500, $600, $700 and beyond bracelet. I can't justify that. But I'm just as happy using something else that means something to me so it's all good. I'll look around. And Stampaway is coming up so that's more inspiration (I think I just drooled on my keyboard a little.)

I'm finding as I get older that I care less about the "cool new thing" and seem to be more drawn to old stuff I find, the stuff that has a memory falling away from it as I pick it up from the box where it's been sitting for years. Last week I found my old jewelry box in the garage in a bin packed from the move. In it were a tenth grade Christmas present from my first real boyfriend (one of the good ones) and a little clay charm one of my YoungLife girls made for me at the craft table at Lake Champion one year. Both of those things made me smile the moment I saw them. Madeleine L'Engle calls them icons and really, they are icons in the sense that many earlier Christians thought of them. They're things that bring to mind more important feelings and emotions. Things I would love to randomly remember throughout the day. So I'm on the lookout for things that fall into that catagory and we'll see what happens. I'll report back with photos if anything fun comes of it.

*Fun sidenote: "Hollywood Family" neighbors? Their son auditioned for a role on Scrubs this past spring. If he gets it, he would play a young J.D. in a sequence where J.D. has a conversation with his unborn child (you know, by Dr. Super-Garden-Tool who told him she had a miscarriage?) Anyway, we're totally geeked out by the fact that our neighbor's seven-year old hung around the set for a few days. If it had been me I'd have had to fight the urge to ask Dr. Cox if he still loves Michael Bolton ("No talent ass clown") and keep myself from revealing my girl crush on Carla. And from stealing Rowdy. But that's another post altogether.

Regarding the videos.

Not sure what's up with YouTube but the videos are playing ok for us here. The setting was "Private" so I changed it and am also adding the URLs here to click and watch on the YouTube site itself if you want. Not sure it's worth it but hey, feel free.

Click here for the beach slide show

Click here for the short beach video clip

Click here for the GE Reds Day slideshow

Ok. That's all... until I play with more photos.

Another Video. Because I can.

Yep, someone figured out iPhoto, iMovie, GarageBand and YouTube all within the same ten minutes. Enjoy this filler post until something better comes along.

Beach Video Clip.

Very short video clip from the beach last Monday. Enjoy. And turn up the volume because Sean's giggling is way cute.

Ocean City, 2007

Some random photos from our trip to Ocean City, Maryland this past week. It was Liam, Sean, Rusty's mom and I (that's Rusty's mom in the tie-dye.) The waves were huge and the current was pretty strong so the boys stayed close to shore and jumped in the waves rather than "swimming."

The sex talk.

"Let's talk about sex, bay-bee. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk abooooout sex." - Salt N' Peppa

WARNING: IN CASE IT HASN'T ALREADY OCCURRED TO YOU, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOME SEX HERE. PLEASE BE ADVISED.

Today, I'm writing from Maryland. From my mother-in-law's living room, actually. The boys and I drove out Thursday. Since I was going to be doing all eight or nine hours of driving while the boys watched movies in the back (using earphones) I decided to upload the church podcasts of the services we'd missed over the last three or four months. As we headed toward Columbus up I-7, I powered up the iPod. The first podcast episode on the list - a talk on sex.

It starts with Tom (the pastor) apparently walking up front while Justin Timberlake's Bringing Sexy Back plays. Then he starts the talk by saying "Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, SEX!" just to get it out there. He divided the talk into one part geared toward parents with older kids, one toward single people, and one toward married people. The married person part was easy to take. But the one aimed at single people was hard for me to hear. Even though it's been ten years since I was a non-married person, there are things from the talk that made it hard for me to keep from turning the podcast off altogether.

As anyone who's ever been in a youth group can tell you, virginity is a church teenager's prized possession. Which I actually agree with. But for someone raised to believe that then to have it pretty much stomped all over, it's hard to recover. So, wait... what am I saying? Did I just basically come out and say I had no choice in the matter? Well, actually, I did just say that.

When I was a senior in high school I had been dating a guy for about six months. Seemed to be a nice guy, my family liked him and he was cute. Then one night in our family room, with my parents sleeping upstairs, a normal kissing session turned into something else even after I said, "No, don't" quite a few times. I remember walking up to my bedroom later in pain and confused about what had just happened. I didn't wake my parents to tell them because I wasn't exactly sure what I was telling them.

When you hear about these kinds of things they seem so huge and life changing (and they are) but when they're actually occurring, that minute right before is exactly like that minute right after in that the clock is still ticking, the TV show is still moving along, and no one on earth has been jolted from their sleep in the knowledge that something horrible has happened. Life just goes on. And it's a really stark contrast to how you're feeling on the inside.

The next day I had to work (at Kings Island, where the boyfriend worked also) and I remember I didn't see my mom and dad that morning for whatever reason. I went in to work a few minutes early to confront the boyfriend because I was very seriously pissed off. And when I found him and said something (while fighting back the urge to smack him and cry at the same time) he just looked at me and said, "It takes two to tango." That was it. And I? Was horrified.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I didn't say, "No" loud enough or forcefully enough? Maybe I just felt bad afterwards? So instead of telling my parents I tried to hide it from everyone I knew. And please, understand that this was never a "they won't believe me" kind of thing. I thought, at that point, that there was nothing to "believe" and I had just given away my most prized possession and was going to hell (or a least an unhappy, messed up marriage sometime in my future.) As bad as that was? It gets worse.

I stayed with the boyfriend. For almost a year. But I knew I didn't like this guy anymore (shocker.) I was just afraid to break-up and end up finding another boyfriend at some point and not know what to tell them if the topic came up. Which of course, it always did. Sex always comes up with college guys. Sometimes it gets talked about in a good way. I know there are decent college guys who can talk about in the context of "it's ok, we'll wait." But I didn't find them.

I found two more who assumed that since I was no longer a virgin that it didn't matter at that point. And I stupidly agreed. It was completely my decision but part of that decision was based on the fact that I was in uncharted territory. I knew virginity was important. But youth group people never talked about what to do if that was altered. What little bit of self-esteem I had was totally gone because I honestly believed that my worth as a Christian was in the toilet because I'd broken one of the cardinal rules.

So, why did I just type all that? Why go into it again? Well, for one reason because last time I "got into it" I just left it half-dealt with. A few months before Rusty and I got married, I started having a hard time with a family situation. I started going to therapy before the wedding. And this incident with the boyfriend came up. The therapist asked why I couldn't say the word "rape." Was it because I believed it was easier to say it was partly my fault? Because then it just becomes a "bad decision" on my part and I could pretend I had some control over what happened.

Looking back since I finally came to God and fell in a big heap, I know the therapist was right. By not facing it for what it was back then I traded in my self-worth and was miserable for the next four years or so. And I realized I made my parents and family and some of my friends miserable while I was at it.

So now I think you might  be wondering how it's possible that I'm not totally f-ed up regarding being married and sex after all that. Honestly? I don't entirely know though I have some ideas. First of all, what happened was hard emotionally for me. But not as bad as the guilt I felt when I started to believe it was my fault. When it was "my fault" it made it feel as though I'd made a choice against God and that was unthinkable to me. I didn't have the greatest image of God when I was a teenager and really thought it was all about the rules and doing stuff right. And forgiveness was just something you said and not the grace and redemption that I understand now.

The God and "doing something wrong" thing was an issue for me, and my misunderstanding of it all drove me farther and farther from my faith. Coming to Christ and being able to finally say, "Ok, this wasn't my fault" have done wonders for me being able to get on with my life.

Do I wish I'd have done something to this boyfriend to hold him accountable? Of course I do. Do I want some sort of justice now? No. I feel like I've been able to get to a good place and would rather never have to deal with this person ever again. I'm really truly happy with the life I have now and where I am in relation to my faith and relationship with God.

And I hope I can finally sit through a sex talk and not feel a twinge of uneasiness or panic.

Happy Girl.

Yeah, ok, so I've been so very inconsistant with the writing this summer. Seriously, if you think this blog is neglected you should see the condition of my house.

I wish I could say it's been something very important that's kept me from taking the time to update. I mean, it is something important but the reality of that is it's just life at the moment. Summer and Kings Island and swimming and watching our boys enjoy themselves and relaxing and going to see movies and being happy. Every time I see my sister and her nephew I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that even though the world seems to be losing it's collective mind there are still people willing to deviate from their carefully planned lives to spend their time and money loving someone who needs to be loved. Watching this unfold is also making me happy. I know the little things like being at the pool with the boys? Makes me happier than is probably reasonable. But overall we've not had a normal summer in four years. We've spent our summers moving halfway cross country, taking care of a niece in trouble, renovating a house and moving back halfway across country again. It's nice to be able to enjoy the summer break.

That's not to say that I don't understand that there are still people we love and care about dealing with stress - and sometimes I end up in tears as I pray for my family and friends and what they go through, or wondering if anything we've done the last four years really matters. But I feel like I can finally be more objective and see that there's always some aspect of "good" and "right" in what's gone on no matter how stressful it seemed at the time.

We're leaving for Maryland on the 19th and I'm so excited to see Deedie and Ashley and Wood and hopefully Betsy (Hi, Betsy!) and Erik and so many others I miss every day we're not there. The friends we left behind are honestly some of the most important people in my life and I often find myself wondering why God blessed me with these people. What did I do to deserve to be friends with Deedie "She who is fabulous" Stuart? I just got lucky and I'm totally fine with that.

For the Audio.

Because the video kind of stinks (at least through the first half or so.) The last twenty seconds of guitar at the end are especially beautiful.



Colin Hay
My Brilliant Feat

Random Comment of the Day.

Adam Dunn is much more suited to playing rec-league softball, really. Cranks the homers and plays lazy out-field. He reminds me of half the guys you'd see at Kolping on any random summer evening. Just my opinion.

Endangered Species.

Wow. Ok, well, first... I went to the bachelorette party. It was tame by most people's standards and there was only one conversation about "remember when" and it was somewhat painful but relatively quick.

In other news, Rusty is dealing with some pretty crappy emotional stuff from a few of his friends. Within a one day period he found out one friend had informed his wife that he had been having an affair and "was done" with the marriage. This was hard for Rusty and a few of their other friends because he knows the guy involved and also the guy's brother. Then the next day, a friend from work told Rusty that he and his wife were getting a divorce and he'd also been having an affair. Rusty came home kind of shell-shocked at that point. It's hard to not put yourself in their place when these guys are about the same age as us and have been married similar amounts of time as we have. There are also kids involved in both marriages. Rusty's been really good about being honest with the friend from work when the guy asks his opinion and he's been good to not take sides since he doesn't know the wife and is only hearing one side of the story. But these are also his friends and I can tell he's dissappointed.

A few days later, another friend talked about the problems he and his wife are having but in this case the guy is doing everything he can to do the right thing, be compassionate and take care of things in an honorable way. I'm just afraid that because we are all imperfect human beings, no matter what this guy does he can't control his wife's actions. That worries me and I'm trying to keep them in my prayers without letting my feelings take over.

And last but not least... our neighbor. Some of you are familiar with the ongoing saga of "Hollywood Mom" who up and quit her job, took two of her three kids to Hollywood and left the other one here with her husband? Yeah, well, the one who was left here was sent out to Cali to join Mom and the others. And they're not coming back. Nice. Dad is still here, talks about missing his family. And has a new girlfriend. Again... what the crap?!

Rusty and I have been through a lot together. Some of it has been pretty bad. But each time either of us had to make a conscious decision about whether we were giving up or staying with it. Neither of us is perfect by any means. So how come we're ok but so many others aren't? Is it just easier to give up? I don't know how that's the case when you have kids and a life together that you have to rip apart and try to rebuild somewhere else with someone new.

We have a friend who has an history as a recovering drug addict. You'd never know it from meeting him. He loves his family and is a good guy. But as some point he had to make the decision to #1, get clean and #2, decide his family was important and be there. I haven't told him this but I am so very impressed with that. My own "biological father" was a drug addict by the time my parents divorced and he disappeared off the face of the earth for a while. Then he came back to the area when I was in high school, got somewhat clean (may be debatable) and his family welcomed him with open arms. Which, ok, if Liam or Sean went that route then wanted to do the right thing and get sober again, of course I'd welcome them back. BUT... ("Let's talk about your big but, Simone" - Ha!) But, after "Bio Dad" got clean? That was it. He never took it a step farther and tried to repair the damage he did to his relationship with my brother or I. And his family? Just told us how wonderful he was and how great his new family was and that he was ignoring us for our "own good... because he cares so much about us." Uh huh. Kids don't buy that. If you care, you act like you care. If you really care, it's hard to not be involved. I need to tell this friend how much I appreciate that he stuck with it and is the father in his family. His kids are really lucky (as am I because I got a pretty darn good dad as a replacement in my own situation!)

I bring that up because, like I mentioned, every one of the affair/divorce/diffulty situations going on for friends right now are relationships in which there are children involved. One person seems more focused on himself and his current situation, one wants to do the right thing but isn't sure how and frankly isn't doing the right thing as far as his kids and his "girlfriend" are concerned (moving out of his house and in with his girlfriend) and one is missing his family tremendously and is faced with having them gone for good so he's found a replacement for now. The kids stuck in the middle are going to be hurt the most. The wives are part of the couple. They are possibly totally innocent parties, but they're still adults and are for the most part already mature in who they are as people. The kids aren't. No matter what you tell them, they're perceiving things the way their own little kid brains are able to and no amount of talking with no action to follow it up is going to change that. My biggest fear in each of these situations is that the kids will be faced with choosing sides or not getting to maintain a good relationship with their dads, or even the case of the neighbor to even see their dad on a regular basis. I don't think a marriage should stay together because of the kids alone. But I do think people need to be more realistic about how they conduct themselves while going through the process. And they need to remember you can divorce a spouse you were never "related" to but you can't ignore the fact that you have little people with half of your DNA running around and they are still something you need to deal with! Good heavens, what a rant. People are really stupid sometimes, though. My brain hurts.

What's up with me and why does it matter?

A friend of mine, whom I've known since the second grade (and no... I won't tell you exactly how that's been) is getting married this summer. I've been invited to her bachelorette party and I've yet to RSVP. I want to go and hang out with her because she's really been a good friend to me, even when we lived halfway across country from each other and saw each other rarely with months between each visit. This friend sent me a birthday card every year from the time we were in school until after I got married, regardless of where I was or what she was doing. She's a good friend and I love her dearly. She's one of those people you hang out with after months and feel right at home like no time passed at all, you know?

So why do I hesitate to RSVP for the bachelorette party? I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it, and its more than just feeling old and wondering if I can stay awake long enough for drinks and dancing on a Friday night (seriously, I wonder.) Because I've known this friend for so long and she's been so faithful, she's been with me through some times I'd rather forget, though not because of her. This week I realized I've been re-examining my faith, why I chose to believe when I did and why God didn't punish me more for the stupid decisions I made before that point. It would be more comfortable to just let it all fade into history and pretend I've always been a well-behaved smart surburban Christian when the reality is that I've spent a good deal of my life being a confused, easily influenced, bad decision maker who only heard the "sin talk" parts in chapel when in reality I missed the big picture and wasted a lot of time being stupid.

I remember the night I decided I was done with it. I was sitting on the floor in my apartment in Columbus writing in my journal. My horrible boyfriend was hanging out and had fallen asleep on the floor next to me watching TV. I couldn't stand him. He was really mean to me and had promised to stop smoking pot for months. Yet he didn't (though he lost a lot of paraphenalia when I found it and threw it out various windows or hit it in the closet crawl space... and he couldn't ask about it or he'd be admitting he'd had it in the first place. This is the same guy who claimed he couldn't be a "stoner" because his family was too rich. How does that work?) I was sitting there writing, about something not God-related and suddenly felt so alone. Really alone. I felt far away from my family and from people who'd cared about me regardless of how selfish I'd been (the friend I mentioned included.) I ended up writing in my journal that if God was real and actually cared about what happened to me that he would find me. That was it. Not super glorious or altar-call-y. The next day I called my mom and left Columbus for good (to this day I have a hard time being there for any reason because my time there was just that sad for me overall.) I went home. I left all of the "friends" I'd made, I left the boyfriend though he followed me to Cincinnati and bugged me for a while before I got rid of him for good.

At any rate, I literally walked away from Columbus and everything I had or did there, regardless of what followed me back initially. Eventually I was living with my parents again, working for Proctor & Gamble and enjoying the safety of not having friends. Then I ran into this friend from elementary/high school and we started hanging out and having a lot of fun. Really, just having a good time and enjoying having a good friend who was actually a friend again. But it took me a while to learn how to not be stupid and she lived through some of that with me too. When I met Rusty and ended up transferring to Maryland to finish school and becoming close to the amazing people I met while doing YoungLife and through Rusty and school is also when my faith started to mature and I started feeling like I was able to make good decisions without the safety net of home. But moving to Maryland also meant leaving everything here again, including this friend. And I'm not sure how to bridge that gap between first starting out as a new Christian for real at home and coming into my own in Maryland when I think about myself and my life and my experience. So hanging out with this friend seems unfamiliar because that seems like a "different part of my life" though she's still someone I care about. And am I even making sense at this point?!

I think it boils down to being able to figure out how to not see myself and associate all places and people as "bad" and "good" depending on who I was at the time. I just happened to be here versus Maryland though neither place is inherently "bad" or "good". It's just the way the timing played out and the places I happened to be. Rusty could have just as easily lived in Columbus. I need to be able to look back at some of the things and places and events before I wised up and not see them as "bad" just because they happened to be a part of that time period (like at some point being able to spend time in Columbus without associating it with my time there before.) Because we're back here in Ohio now and I'm sure there are going to be things and people that are going to cause me to remember things I'd rather not but realize I'm not that same person regardless of where I live.

*Please understand, my family throughout all of this? A constant. Not a factor in my feelings about myself before or any of this thinking now. I'm strictly talking about my own experience outside of my family after I graduated high school and went off to college at Bowling Green the first two years and started making friends and doing things based solely on me and having nothing to do with where I went to high school or who my parents were or what church I grew up in. Without those familiar factors and on my own? I really sucked at making decisions for myself.

Memorial Day Weekend 2007

Click the photo or click here to see a set of photos from this weekend (sorry, no pictures from the skating party on Saturday!)

Saturday late morning/afternoon we went to my cousin's twins' birthday skating party. Rusty rollerskated... rollerbladed actually. The kids loved it. The adults did too.

Sunday morning we all met for breakfast then my parents, my brother and his family, my sister and her family and Rusty and the boys and I went down to Great American Ballpark for GE Reds Day. My dad has worked at GE for more than 30 years and we went to GE Day off an on growing up. Last year we came back from Maryland to attend the game and we're hoping it's a tradition that continues for a long time to come. We had great seats, only a few rows up to the side of the foul pole on the third baseline. The game stunk, even with the crazy number of home runs. I'm pretty sure I got a photo of the pitchers conversing about how much they suck before the game started. The game was so slow that at one point some guys in the next level up started heckling the TV camera-man's socks. Seriously. After the game my mom, sister, brother-in-law, their nephew and the boys ran the bases and a good time was had by all.

Monday (today) I got to visit my best friend, Amy, and her husband and newborn baby boy in the hospital! Then the boys and I visited my sister and niece, Lianne and Callie. Then we headed to Caitlin and Joel's for an afternoon of random pool festivities, eating various grilled meats and corn-on-the-cob and a seriously competitive and creatively scored game of corn-hole. Joel was apparently using international scoring methods while traditional rules call for scoring with your eyes open and no using wishful thinking. Caitlin was not amused but was able to forgive him and a good time was had by all. Again.

I'm tired, sunburned and going to bed. Hope you had a great weekend everyone!

They're back...

Same guys, same set, different video. And some BNL thrown in... ::swoon::*



*Swooning at BNL. Though the guy in the "TOOL" shirt is kind of cute.

My Mother's Day 2018?

The future isn't hard to imagine...

More Disney Photos.

I finally uploaded some of the photos from our trip. Try clicking the Castle to see the set:


Click here for Disney Trip photos

Schizo Music Thursday.

Happy Thursday, people. I debated an exclamation point, because it is almost Friday. But it's gray out and chilly and we have an open house at our neighborhood's new elementary school tonight, so this Thursday does not warrant an exclamation point, sorry. Unless? I mention my joyful little find this morning.

I have been switching between a tote bag for Sean's twice weekly swim lessons and my normal purse. When I switched back to purse mode today I found two iTunes cards I received for Christmas but had lost track of. How much fun is that?! It's like finding money in your back pocket months after you forgot you put it there. But better, because instead of money that you use for whatever comes your way that day, this is credit that you're forced to spend on music. Too bad ::please note a hearty dose of sarcasm when reading those last two words there::

So what did I download? Oh good heavens. I've mentioned my schizophrenic music taste in the past, right? Oh yeah. Well, today I added a heaping helping of The Shins, Johnny Cash, They Might Be Giants, Bing Crosby & Danny Kaye, The Fratellis, Derek Webb, Butthole Surfers, Pat Benetar and the complete "Bach: The Cello Suites" by Yo-Yo Ma and some other stuff.

Totally random sidenote: Anyone lose a parakeet? Because there is a yellow parakeet sitting atop one of the garden torches outside. Seriously. A real parakeet.

Back to the music. Merry Christmas in May to me (and thank you, Rusty and sister-in-law Shannon!) Here's the download list:

Bach: The Cello Suites - Yo Yo Ma (entire album)

Take Out the Trash - They Might Be Giants

Turn On Me - The Shins

Blessed Assurance - Shane Barnard & Shane Everett featuring the Peasall Sisters

Hips Don't Lie/Bamboo (2006 FIFA World Cup Mix) - Shakira featuring Wyclef Jean


The Cup of Life (The Official Song of the World Cup) - Ricky Martin... yes, seriously. I can probably still sing you some old school 80's Menduo if you'd like

We Belong - Pat Benatar... one of those songs I could have sworn I already had. Yet didn't.

Hallelujah - Martin Sexton

Good Time - Leroy

Ghost Riders in the Sky - Johnny Cash

Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash

Hold On Hope - Guided By Voices

Cigarello - The Fratellis

Flathead - The Fratellis

Stacie Anne - The Fratellis

Henrietta - The Fratellis

Blue Skies / Mandy - Bing Crosby & Danny Kaye... I've had giant crushes on Bing Crosby & Danny Kaye since I was ten

The Old Man / Gee, I Wish I Was Back in the Army - Bing Crosby & Danny Kaye

The Best Things Happen While You're Dancing - Danny Kaye

Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera) - Doris Day... waaaayyyyy too fun to sing really loud in an obnoxious voice

Can't Be Without You - Derk Webb

A Love That's Stronger Than Our Fear - Derek Webb

She Must and Shall Go Free - Derek Webb

Ain't That a Kick in the Head - Dean Martin... another longtime crush ::insert love struck sigh here::

Dracula from Houston - Butthole Surfers

Restore to Me - Candi Pearson-Shelton & Mac Powell (a.k.a. "Mr. Third Day")

By His Wounds - A bunch of guys including Mac Powell

Beautiful Mystery - Caedmon's Call

SexyBack - Justin Timberlake... I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels... "I told you once, you son of beeyotch, I'm the best there's ever been" = Easily one of the top 10 best line in a song. Ever.

Love is All Around (from "Four Weddings and a Funeral") - Wet Wet Wet

Hooch - Everything... "Scrubs" easily has the best soundtrack on TV right now. This song isn't my favorite out of the mix, but any show that features Colin Hay - more than once - rules my playlist.

No Sleep Tonight - The Faders

Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode... because my Depeche Mode CD was one of the ones in the now legendary lost CD case of 2003.

You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse

Rehab - Amy Winehouse

Dirty Little Secret - The All-American Rejects... because my mix CD broke

Disney Photos. Volume 1.

As promised, here are some Disney World photos. We start with a selection that has come to be known as The Sapper Ear Project. What started out as an innocent question ("I wonder where you get those cool black Mickey ears?") turned into a week-long search through the madness of the Disney shopping experience.


Click here to view the results

FYI.

Dear extended family and dearest friends,

I love you. You are fantastic. You are my life. Also? My name is spelled Stacie. There is no "Y".

Thank you.

Photo Coming Soon...

It's a well known fact that I'm a very visual person. It's also a well documented fact that I have way more photos than five average people put together. When I casually say, "Sure, I'll post photos online!" it actually means, "Sure, I'll sift through hundreds of photos to find a few that don't bore you even though the light/color/composition fascinates me and I could stare at it for hours."

It could also mean, "Sure, but I first have to figure out why I took pictures of every marching band in the Opening Day parade in the first place."

In other news, Sean started swim lessons yesterday. I'll be sure to post some photos soon...

Update.

You people and your caring and your emails and your phone calls and whatnot... you're too kind. So where do I start?

1. I am off the birth control pills. I repeat... the birth control pills have left the building. My wonderfully brilliant girly doctor diagnosed me as "about as diabetic as you can get with out being diabetic yet" and put me on Metformin. I was killing myself with watching what I ate and running and still I lost no weight and my blood sugar stubbornly stayed the same - a fasting number anywhere between 100 and 124 on any given day. It's been going up steadily for the last two years even though my diet and exercise has been enough to lower my cholesterol from 202 to 187. The doctor basically said we can wait another six months until your blood sugar reaches a certain point and say, "Gee. You're diabetic. Here's some medication" or we can start treating you now, be proactive, and see what we can do. I opted for the proactive. I got to stop taking the pills (and for anyone who got that email? I wasn't depressed so much as horrifically hormonal.) It's all better now. You may go about your business.

2. Liam was sick last week. Specifically, Sean found Liam passed out face down on the family room floor. The short version is that he had something called a Confusional or Complicated Migraine. Two trips to the ER and then admitted to the neurology department at Children's. Three IV's, a CAT scan, MRI and spinal tap later we know Liam's brain is fine... relatively speaking, remember, he's an eight year old boy. And he will most likely continue to have migraines. Boo, heredity. Rusty's migraines are bad enough.

P.S. Heredity, you truly suck with giving Sean his first flat out, full on, throwing up and light hurts my eyes migraine yesterday. Have mercy, will you?! I'd like some sleep, please.

P.P.S. Thankfully, with the birth control pills out of the way, I was able to cope with Liam's situation a brazillion times better than I would have a month ago.

Back from Disney.

Oh man. I'm exhausted, my shoulders are sunburned and we have mountains of laundry to sift through. But it was totally worth it. We had a great time. It was the first vacation Rusty and I have taken together since our honeymoon ten years ago.

I'm going to post some photos (including the Sapper Mouse Ears Project.) But I need to vent about some things that happened during our trip, and I want to get it overwith now so the rest of the posts and photos aren't tainted by stupidity.

The last full day we were there, Thursday, we went to the Animal Kingdom park. It's gorgeous, a lot of fun, has great attractions (the Expedition Everest ride was one of our favorites from the week.) But for some reason there were some dumb angry people out and about.

Incident #1 was at the dinosaur institute ride thing. The line waiting time was supposed to be about 40 minutes. Which was actually short compared to some we saw at the Disney MGM park. We weren't surprised - our travel agent told us flat out that Spring Break (considered mid-March through late April) is considered the second busiest time of the year.* Considering our travel agent stressed this fact, it's plastered all over the web and it's stated flat out on the Disney World planning pages I'm assuming most everyone traveling to Disney World this past month was probably aware. Makes sense.

So the line takes a bit longer and people start going nuts. The family behind us was whining enough to be mistaken for a troup of three year olds (and it was a mom, dad, a couple of ten or so year old kids and a set of grandparents!) Seriously. One of the kids was talking about the "stupid 'Fast-Passers'" and sounding awfully bitter for a kid that young. The parents? Only encouraged it. The guy working at the front of the line was named Jorge and was from Spain (every Disney worker has their hometown/country listed on their name tag.) Jorge tried to make an announcement about the wait time but was interupted. Then this stupid, cruel, stereotype of everything that's wrong with America today teenager stands up on the rail and announces to the crowd, "What he said meant to say in English was that the wait is going to be longer than they said!" A few upset people thanked the kid, some people laughed, and poor Jorge looked like he'd had it. For the first time in my life, I called someone a "Dick." I hope that kid heard me.

The next round of people went in and Rusty and I were cut off at the front to be the first to go in the next time. Poor Jorge wouldn't make eye contact with anyone and was just trying to do his job. I leaned over and asked if they paid him enough to put up with the whining and he smiled and said Disney pays him well but no one could pay enough to put up with a lot of what he hears. Once he decided Rusty and I were friendly, he totally opened up and asked our names, where we were from, how our trip had been and then thanked us for being so nice before shaking both of our hands. When he turned to check the next ride, the super annoying family behind us went into action again. The mom pushed up to Rusty and I and asked what Jorge had said. I replied and she asked again, "But what did he say?!" getting almost hysterical. Rusty and I were confused but realized later that she must have assumed that we were telling Jorge how upset we were about the wait and didn't understand we were just chatting (seriously, the wait time was only about ten minutes longer than they originially said and as I mentioned, that was way short compared to lines over an hour and a half at some of the other parks.) When it came time to move to the next room to get ready to board the ride, they asked everyone to move up to the front by the movie screen to watch the little video and the family behind us refused saying they were staying right by the door so they could be first on the ride (yes... they actually told the worker that.) Rusty and I moved as far as possible from them. Between them and the wonderfully helpful teenager mocking the accent, I was upset. Rusty said later I was so angry that I was shaking. I just don't understand why people have to go out of their way to be rude. And why you can't just realize that #1, no one forced you to wait in line, #2, you're waiting for a ride at an amusement park for fun and not water or food in Darfur or something and #3, of course there are long lines, you freaks, it's Disney World! Good heavens.

Ok, incident #2 wasn't as big a deal but made me cry at the time (remember, I'm delightfully hormonal right now.) We were watching this group of acrobats doing an open air show at an outside restaurant. I walked around the back of the crowd, making sure to duck down and not get in anyone's photo shots and checked behind me not seeing anyone there. I took some pictures then the show ended. This older guy comes up behind and says in my ear, "Thanks for coming and standing right in our way" in the most hateful tone I've ever heard in real life. I turned and said I was sorry as he walked away and said, "Sorry" to the closet people I saw who kind of looked at me funny. Turns out they weren't with him and he and his family were off to the side in the very back sitting at a table (everyone watching this show was standing in a circle around the area where the acrobats were performing.) This guy could have come up and nicely asked if I could move but instead he waited ten minutes or so then came up afterwards? And I said I was sorry three or four times to everyone in the area because I didn't know where he was sitting and he just glared and walked off. Why?! What's the point of that? It doesn't help you see the show again and just makes someone feel bad. I just don't get it. If the show was that big a deal, you'd want to see it and not just sit there fuming. Get a grip. I wandered back over toward Rusty. This was only ten minutes or so after the first incident with Jorge and I was pretty much convinced people enjoy being mean and rude and hurtful and started to sniffle. Looking back now I can say it's not that big a deal but at the time it just seemed like too much.

Our experience overall was fantastic and we can't wait to take the boys in September. Of course things weren't 100% perfect, they never are. But it was nice. And a lot of fun. We found that when people got on the crowded shuttle bus and complained, the mood suddenly changed if we offered our seat to a family with small kids. All of a sudden someone else would notice and would offer their seat to someone who needed it more and it started a chain reaction and almost a sense of relief and collective sigh of relief that things weren't worth getting upset about. That happened more than once and it was nice to see. We met some really, really nice people visiting the parks too. A special ed teacher from Jersey and her daughter who sat next to us at dinner one night and told us about their experiences there in the past, a family not from Cincinnati but with the father wearing a Graeter's Ice Cream t-shirt, the guy carrying the sleeping little girl who thanked us for letting him have our spot under an awning in the rain at the bus stop, a couple caught in the thunderstorm with us at Downtown Disney when we waited for the shuttle and laughing when we all got on the bus dripping wet. Letting a family with little kids have your seats or getting rained on so a dad carrying a sleeping three year old doesn't have to is not a big deal to us but seemed to really make a different to those people so we were happy to offer. Consider it servant-evanglism Disney style. If a few more people would not even go out of their way but just be aware of what's going on around them, I think things would be a little more laid back - not just at Disney but in life in general. Disney is just a great big dose of humanity all at once and I'm not sure I was prepared for the uglier side of that!

*Christmas/New Years is their busiest.

Primey McPainterson.

Oh, yes. We've started again with the painting. The painting of the powder room. The front entry, the hallway going upstairs and the upstairs hallway. The boys' bathroom (and their bathroom vanities!) Liam's room. These rooms are on schedule to be transformed over the next few weeks. We bought paint for the boys' bathroom, the entry and hallways and the powder room today. I painted the boys' bathroom vanities Friday/yesterday (a nice flat black - very "Pottery Barn" looking.) They need a final light sanding then a few coats of polyerothane and the doors are ready to go back on and we're good. That'll happen tomorrow. In between coats of drying poly, I'll tackle the hallways and entryway and see how far I get.

Ok. Anyone who's lived through this blog with me so far knows that #1, I love fixing up our spaces and #2, I tend to jump in and get it all done instead of letting it lag. Can't stand having stuff half done and right now, there are quite a few things to do to finish making this place really feel like it's ours. Little by little this house is starting to look more like we live here and that's really nice. We're planning on staying in this house for a long time and that makes me very happy ::insert silly smile here::

I'll try to post some photos over the next few days so you can tell me how awesome I am (positive reinforcement helps me stay focused you know...)

P.S.

If you were ever a fan of the "Faith & Art" blog? It's making a comeback... (CLICK HERE FOR VERY VAGUE DETAILS)

Sunday night.

I'm tired. Are you tired? I'm tired.

It's been a very long week. I had two deadlines, one of which has come and gone, the other is coming up. The project is already submitted and I'm just waiting to hear if there are any adjustments that need to be made before going to print. It's the first time in a while that I've worked with a strict deadline and I found I couldn't get it off my mind. I'm discovering I have an anal retentive streak that threatens to leave me sleepless (and useless!) if I don't watch it. I used to think Liam's issues were random, now I wonder if some weren't inherited from his mother...

Speaking of the boy wonder, tonight is Liam's last Sunday as a seven year old. Tomorrow is his last Monday of being a seven year old (starting to imagine how my last week has sounded?) Liam turns eight on Tuesday. And I'm going to break with convention here and say I can honestly see where the time has gone.

It doesn't really seem like "just yesterday" since he was born. It seems like Liam's been a part of our lives forever. I honestly don't remember that self-conscious, post partum person I was when we brought him home. I've tried to block out those feelings of inadequecy I felt when he refused to nurse or the hurt I hid when other babies were in the throes of seperation anxiety and Liam cried when we tried to take him out of the church nursery (true story.) Since his testing back in 2005, when we had some things finally explained to us about who he is and why? Those feelings have been replaced with new ones and I'm finally able to believe the negative things weren't caused by our parenting and many of the positives were. That is a good feeling. A powerful and reassuring feeling. Now when I look at Liam? I see a miracle to watch and be thrilled with instead of a puzzle that needs to be solved.

Tag, I'm it.

Yeah, I'm only a little slow on the draw. Betsy tagged me last month but because I'm a giant weinerschnitzel I had lost the link to her blog and had not caught up. Because I suck lately. Ok, I only semi-suck, the rest of the suckage can be attributed to my crazy body and the turmoil it is causing me lately (did I mention that I hate birth control pills? Because I do. I hate them like that dog outside apparently hates peace and quiet. Shut. UP!)(And could I possibly be more random right now? Probably not.)

So here are five things the world may not know about me:

1. I am a big fan of "The Tick" cartoon. Spoon!

2. I would much rather do art with my hands than with my computer.

3. Though I use a Mac and appreciate its ability to render graphics without wigging out, I really don't dig the whole Mac subculture thing that's going on. I love my computer but it does not make me smarter, cooler, richer, prettier or smell better than anyone else. Just saying. I think we may need some perspective here, people.

4. I get way too emotionally invested in the secrets I read every Sunday. (and thanks to Betsy herself for the heads up on Post Secret a few years ago.)

5. I'm a big fan of Guinness, on tap if possible.

So do I know five people who blog who will also take up this tag and go with it? Let's see...

"Red rover, red rover, send Heather, Amy, Jodi, Linda and anyone from my family who will respond over..." (you can put yours in the comments section!)

Train wreck.

So I must have been offline most of the last few days or something. How the heck did I miss that Britney Spears shaved her head and is now bald? What the crap is that? I mean, I'm not a big fan or anything but after seeing photos of her (on CNN? And what's that about?! Is CNN the new E! and I missed
it?) Anyway, the photos I've seen of her online or on TV lately? She looks so sad.

I know she has kids to take care of. And I don't know if this crap that's causing her to have so little self-respect and dignity is drugs, drinking, something in her past or personal life or post-partum depression. I don't know who's to blame for her problems, I'm sure she should be held responsible for her role as well, at some point (when you're trying to help someone I don't think telling them how crappy they are is the best way to start the conversation.) Regardless, I feel like I'm watching someone drowning and can't do anything about it, you know? Even when you try to not see it, it's everywhere. I hope someone can reach her before she hurts herself.

Good heavens. She makes my head hurt. And makes me a little sniffy for her.

Cincinnati.

*Check comment section for clarification.

I've been doing a little project that required me to answer some simple questions about myself - birthdate, family, location, etc. My "location" answer? Cincinnati. Some of my neighbors here in the northern suburb of Liberty Township disagree. They want nothing to do with the city anymore as they consider it an outdated, badly run embarrassment. They wear their suburban titles proudly. Which is fine... I guess. I mean, it's true, we don't live within city limits (in fact, we're probably a fifteen or twenty minute drive to the city limits.) Not only do we not live in Hamilton County (the county in which the city of Cincinnati is located) but we're in the next county north, and at the middle of that county, closer to the northern edge than the southern. So I get the feeling of being removed. And for people who've moved from other larger urban areas ours seems very removed for sure. I really do get that. But I will always say "Cincinnati" when someone asks. Whether it's habit or stubborness (with a little optimism thrown in) I don't know.

My immediate family moved to the suburbs when I was in kindergarten. But my family, all sides, have their roots down in St. Bernard. It's a tiny little city, surrounded on all sides by the city of Cincinnati. St. Bernard always maintained its independence from the city around it because Proctor & Gamble had many of it's manufacturing facilities within St. Bernard's city limits. The tiny little city raked in big tax revenue and up until a few years ago was doing fairly well for being a non-trendy area so close to downtown. But then Proctor & Gamble pulled out, Ivorydale closed and for the first time in decades - possibly longer - St. Bernard was hurting. It's really sad to see, though we don't see much of it anymore as my Grandparents are no longer there. Grandpa Stegman died when I was in high school and Grandma Stegman moved this past year. Grandpa and Grandma Kelly died when I was in college. Grandpa Joe died eight years ago and Grandma moved into a retirement apartment a few years ago.

We have no living connections left though we stop at Chili Time on the way to the zoo or the way back from the hospital. Then I find myself taking a detour up Tower Avenue and onto Jackson, smiling at the little girl making her way up my Grandparents' front steps into the house I can navigate with my eyes closed yet would probably no longer recognize with my eyes open.

The photo above is from St. Mary's cementary in St. Bernard. It is where two of my grandpas are buried, along with my great grandparents and great-great grandparents. I have personal memories of some of them and only know stories about others. But to be able to walk into a place and know that connection is grounding. My great-grandmothers were friends growing up here and that's what I think of when I've wondered through the tombstones, not the literal reality of death. It's not morbid at all; it's comforting.

Regardless of its crumbling outside, St. Bernard has a history too old to ignore. Like the city of Cincinnati surrounding it, it's just waiting for someone or something to come along and pull it up. I believe it can be done. I believe Cincinnati, too, can once again become the energetic city it was up until the early 1990's. I guess in St. Bernard I see a smaller version of what the city of Cincinnati has to overcome. And I'm praying for both. I can't change my history, and I wouldn't choose to. So the next logical step is to try to preserve it in a way that honors the people that built and populated both cities. Anyone who's read this blog for a while knows some of why we landed here in the suburbs rather than the city when we moved from Maryland last August -- Liam's stuff required a school district with a record for being able to help kids with diverse abilities. Rusty's job is in Mason, another far northern suburb, and he's able to commute fairly quickly and without needing to drive the interstate. We couldn't afford most of the family friendly areas within the city and a school for Liam's stuff (Cincinnati public schools are not equipt, as my friend Jen can verify after teaching there.) And we weren't ready for another rehab... yet. Maybe one day we'll be closer to the city. Regardless? If there is some way of helping restore some of the life, I'm happy to do it. I think I'm going to explore the possibilities and pray about it more specifically.

I want to end this by linking to a blog post I somehow stumbled onto. Honestly, I have no clue how I found this but I'm SO glad I did. I think reading something like this makes me realize my feelings aren't unique. And that gives me a reminder to pray about this, for this area, the cities of St. Bernard and Cincinnati and the people there. If you live anywhere in the Greater Cincinnati area I really want you to read this and pray too. I'm interested and excited to see God answer these prayers:

http://mariatortilla.livejournal.com/362124.html?view=892556#t892556

Bruiser.

"Sean's face? Meet the table."

"Table? Meet Sean's face."

(Hoping this isn't an ongoing thing.)

Doritos Commercial

So Doritos ran a contest for people to submit commercials and the winner will play during the Super Bowl. This is my favoriate and makes me laugh every time. The actress is hysterical and her "old school" hand sign cracked me up. And the mustache? Dude, the commerical should totally win on the mustache alone.

Here she is, the "Checkout Girl":

Horrifying.

You know what's scary? Tonight, I turned on the radio in the car and the station I scanned to advertised that they were having an "All Hits Weekend." And then they played Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

What makes it more than merely scary? I sang along to the chorus. And may possibly have bit my bottom lip and bobbed my head while car dancing.

Then the kicker: the next two songs in their "All Hits Weekend?" Black Eyed Peas and Kid Rock (I'm considering the possibility that my burrito contained hallucinagens and instead of "All Hits Weekend" they were really saying, "Songs that sucked hard weekend.")

Word to your mutha'.

My Haiku Gift to You.

(Ok. So I'm a little inspired.)

Unpronounceable
Swedish name on flat pack box
Blue and yellow joy.



(P.S. No, I don't own that table. Just love the name.)

Sunday night.

I've been avoiding you, internet. I've been avoiding this blog. At first I was able to blow it off as not wanting to deal with Blogger's Beta template conversions and having to go back in and re-write my header code. But that's been done. And I'm still lacking any motivation to blog. It's not like I'm not thinking about writing. It's always there, in the back of my mind. Because this started out as an outlet for me to work through my salvation (if you dig far enough, back to 2004?)

I'd love to tell you that I've been deep in spiritual thought, wrestling with God over my life and what it means and what I'm feeling. I wish I had a smart ass way to tell you how totally uninspired I feel right now in a lot of ways. I know those of you who know me will read that to mean I haven't worked on anything lately. Which isn't the case - I've been working on all kinds of stuff lately. And some of it has been pretty good (some of it has not, but that is just because I'm working from a pre-existing site that was not my own design and the design snob within is being a mighty beeyotch.)

No, I've been busy work wise. But I just feel kind of "half there" in everything right now. Am I unhappy? No, not overall. Am I depressed? I don't know. Am I uncomfortable? Most definitely. I feel as though my body is betraying me and these birth control pills I'm taking to regulate my hormones for the PCOS nonsense are doing a job on me. Add to that the fact that Liam has decided he "hates" school and spent close to an hour crying at bedtime trying to convince Rusty and I that his principal and teacher told him there was no school tomorrow (ok, that look of total "I'm serious, we really don't have school tomorrow" was funny, I'll admit.) I'm just... I don't know. I was going to type "drained" but that doesn't feel right. I just feel uninspired. Maybe I keep coming back to that word because the artist in me really does find bunches of tiny inspirations every day. I get sidetracked by a glass cup full of sparkly junk in my workroom and it makes me happy. Usually. Now I find myself missing it in the moment and wondering later what happened to that minute of my day today?

I guess the bottom line is that I don't feel like myself. I'm not depressed. I'm not falling apart over Liam now being back in therapy once a week for a while. I'm just tired. And missing my old self. And hoping to God that Heather's right and this will pass once my body starts to regulate itself more efficiently.

A month ago I'd have told you I don't like my body, I am unhappy with myself and my fitness and my attitude. Now I just can't wait to get "myself" back.

Cheese, anyone?

*EDITED: For some reason, when I pasted the link the computer had retained a stamping link I had used earlier (that was posted on the Design Board for Amy at RMH) -- Try the link now. You'll know you're in the right place when you see the kid holding his blocks of Christmas cheese (And I had no clue what Heather's comment meant until I read Jodi's and put the two together...)

You have to read this. Especially if you have kids. Or know any kids. It will make you laugh. A lot.

In Response to Raisins

P.S. Make sure to read that kid's Christmas list. I adore the request for cardboard boxes ("for hiding places.")

P.S.S. I know that you know this is a shameless way of adding a blog entry without really blogging. But let's just ignore that, shall we? It's been a hard week.

Greatest Hits Volume 1.

This cold is kicking my butt. Sean has been up each of the last two nights for random conversation and snuggle time. I'm exhausted. My house looks like Christmas threw a wild party and then split when it heard the cops were on the way. Liam is back at school (he's not very happy about that, I might add) and our master bathroom hasn't been cleaned in at least two weeks. So what can I write that will make it seem like I'm making an effort, yet will require as little effort as possible? I'll do what the great recording legends do... a Greatest Hits collection! Brilliant!

I figure this is probably a decent idea as I've had this blog for over two years now, our family has gone through a lot of changes in that time and what better way to bring any newcomers up to speed than to post links to some of posts that kind of explain who I am and who we are and why we seem to be in a state of semi-chaos a good deal of the time (or I could just give you the short answer to that last one: we have two little boys. Any other questions?)

I wasn't sure how to go about dividing these "Greatest Hits" (oh yes... "dividing"... indicating this will take up more than one post.)

(Again: Brilliant!)

I would say the posts in this blog come under one of a number of headings: Our family in general, the boys specifically, Liam's issues, home renovations, my issues with church and "Christianity" and trying to work through that, and general stupidity. A few of those topics are kind of heavy. So let's start with general stupidity and the boys as they are the most fun, easiest to read, and won't drive you away wondering how you'll ever recover those lost minutes of your life spent reading my stressed out rambling.

So without further ado? The Art Chick Blog Greatest Hits, Vol. I: Nonsense - The Boys' and Just in General

(arranged from oldest to most recent)

Chapter One: Fun with Parenting
Why I Don't Have Dogs

Funny Boy

Because Things Aren't Fun Enough Around Here

Another Day

Mug Shot

Summer

Conversations with Sean - Age 3

Quote of the Week

Twinsies

Chapter Two: Basically Kind of Silly
This House Hates Us

Dictionary Time

My Musical Tastes

Sorry Excuse for a Post

Shame - It Can Be A Good Thing*

*The "Shame" posts needs to be noted that I am not dogging on the 80's. I'm totally dogging on watching Red Dawn (for the first time, as an adult, out of context chronologically and politically.)