In control

Wanting to keep this from becoming just a series of one-liners as this journal started as a place for me to work out my salvation with a little help from the outside. Please feel free to chime in or chew me out.

Regarding "control"? I mean, I asked for it. I sat in my house back in Fairfield and said "Your will be done". God doesn't take that lightly, and I knew that going into it. And I wanted this, I so wanted this. Maybe not the specifics -- the possibility of a child with special needs or two years of feeling displaced trying to figure out which box has half my life packed in it. But I asked for God to take me from where I was to make me something more. And He totally took me seriously. I'm being forced to take my role as a mother and a parent a lot more deliberately than I may have before. My frienships are being tested and proven by the storms I've been through in which those friends were able to keep me anchored and show me how much they care about me. Those friends have shown me the love of Christ when I felt like I couldn't find it otherwise.

God apparently thinks I'm capable of quite a bit and that terrifies me. But it's also an honor and it's exciting to live through. I feel like I'm at a point where I've been able to take refuge at home with my family and cry a bit. But now I am starting to see the value in some of what's happened over the last few years. And I have to decide if I want to continue to do the easy thing and hide out and remove myself from life for a while. Or can I make myself come clean and admit that I'll live through this and get on with life. With absolutely no control over anything and still coming through it ok. It's that decision that I'm thinking on tonight.

*It's a good thing it's not Wednesday yet because with all of this deep thought? Along with the intensity of watching "LOST"? My head would combust.